FACT: Mona Lisa has trouble concentrating.

There’s an ad at the top of the little AIM thing right now. It’s a picture of– oh, HERE:

Mona Lisa…? Because I guess her famous secretive half-smile is code for WHOO HOO I AM FUCKIN’ STRUNG OUT ON MY KID’S ADDERALL, Y’ALL! I guess?

The screener link goes to Strattera.com, so you know they have your best interests at heart in a totally unbiased way. And then it asks you the following questions:

How often do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, once the challenging parts have been done?
Answer: Often. Diagnosis: You are lazy.

How often do you have difficulty getting things in order when you have to do a task that requires organization?
Answer: Often. Diagnosis: You are disorganized. And lazy.

How often do you have problems remembering appointments or obligations?
Answer: Often. Diagnosis: You don’t really care about your “friend” Steve and honestly could give a fuck about his pirate-themed birthday party.

When you have a task that requires a lot of thought, how often do you avoid or delay getting started?
Answer: Often. Diagnosis: You hate your job.

How often do you fidget or squirm with your hands or your feet when you have to sit down for a long time?
Answer: Often. Diagnosis: You are four years old.

How often do you feel overly active and compelled to do things, like you were driven by a motor?
Answer: Often. Diagnosis: You have been doing a lot of cocaine.

(I made the parts in italics up, obviously.)

I can’t believe it didn’t sell!

The Bog Man figurine is still available, now with updated description:

MAN FIGURINE HAND MADE ART.

This figurine of the man is completely hand made from paper that has been treated with some kind of lacquer.
It’s fine detail and real unique.
It’s OLD and was made in Mexico

Man, that is some creepy shit. The bog man’s look of horror in the second picture is awful. NO!!! NOT THE BOG!!!!!

Unique Art Look at the Pictures

Who doesn’t like to waste time on Craigslist? I have found that a really reliable source of entertainment is the Arts and Crafts section.

It has EVERYTHING I enjoy:

*Barely-literate authors
*Radically overstated value
*Hideous things

Here are a few examples, culled from today’s crop:

“This figurine is hand made and very good quality – $100″

It’s hard to determine scale from those pictures, but doesn’t that kind of look like one of those Bronze Age bog people from Britain? That would rock. I would buy that.

GUEST
What… what is that?

ELANA
Oh, that’s my Bog Man, Sven.

“This is a 3-D porcelain electric lamp. The base is Boraque man and women leaning on a rose-bearing tree with a fence. A large white glass bulb with relief of Greek/Roman continuous theme around the bulb. – $1000″

I know: you’re thinking that a thousand dollars is kind of spendy for something from a garage sale. But my friend, this is in the famous Boraque style, and is sure to increase in value.

“3 Framed Movie stills of Johnny Depp – MUST SEE! – $125″

I’m worried there’s going to be a bidding war for this, particularly once people realize that these pictures are “from 3 of his most unusual movies: Don Juan DeMarco, Dead Man, and Sleepy Hollow.”

“Original metal art by Warren. EROTIC-FANTASY-MECHANICAL – $250″

…

Is the little metal guy on the hood of the car doing what I think he’s doing? He is, isn’t he. Um.

Paid for by viewers like you.

For someone who isn’t 62*, I watch a lot of PBS. My favorite PBS shows are:

1) This Old House (I keep waiting and waiting for the final episodes of the Austin green remodeling project to show up. WHAT IS THEIR ENERGY RANKING? How many stars did they get? I’m on hot coals here, people!)

2) Ask This Old House (I have learned how to replace sod, control knocking pipes, and grout tile. Not that I ever do any of these things. Or own a house. Or own tools. I tighten screws with a butter knife.)

3) America’s Test Kitchen (THE BEST. Heaven must somehow involve Bridget and Chris Kimball singing hymns about butter. While preparing things made with butter. For God. I can’t watch other cooking shows. Other cooking shows are all fussy and full of purple prose about the beauty of fresh-from-the-Provence heirloom magenta sage blah blah blah. America’s Test Kitchen is regimented and prosaic, and they make a recipe hundreds of times so you only have to make it once. DELIGHTFUL.)

4) Antiques Roadshow (But this one makes me tense. I often have to mute out scenes until I find out how much something is worth. I always worry that they’ll have someone with a Precious Moments figurine who will be devastated to find out that it’s worth one cent. This never happens. But I’m ALWAYS worried.)

I think I should probably give PBS some money and stop being such a freakin’ freeloader.

*Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Everybody dance now. Sweat. SWEAAAAAT.

My neighbors are having a garden party. For a while, I was sitting outside, reading Barbara Pym’s Excellent Women and wondering why no one has adapted it yet, but then I couldn’t take it anymore.

Songs they have played so far include:

*The complete works of C&C Music Factory
*Cleopatra – “Cleopatra’s Theme”
*Kylie Minogue (the early years)
*That guy who sings about takin’ it to the streets

Fabulous.

Top five ways to feel totally inadequate!

#1: Read Variety’s 10 Screenwriters to Watch.

#2-#5: Same.

Also, at work, someone pulled me aside and said “Dude! You totally smell like weed!” and I said “…I do?”, kind of surprised due to my non-weed-smoking habits, and they nodded vigorously. And I said “….well, I was just drinking peppermint tea. Is it possible that…?” and they looked at me like I was making some kind of STONER JOKE.

Now I’m all paranoid! What if I give off some kind of weed smell ALL THE TIME? I feel like that would be awkward.

I also enjoy the indie-rock soundtrack.

This is a video of a baby eating a lemon. It’s funny. Particularly the part where the baby keeps going HOLY SHIT THAT IS SOUR and then two seconds later going “What’s this delectable-looking yellow fruit?”

Sir, your food fails to excite.

Today I had lunch across the street from the lot. I was very interested in the turkey meatloaf, but then I was seduced by the waiter’s recitation of one of the specials, a chipotle chicken wrap. It sounded SO DELICIOUS when he was talking about it, with the grilled chicken, and the chipotle dressing, and the CHEESE! And then it arrived, and it was a salad in a tortilla, and of course it’s difficult (physics!) for a tortilla to restrain a salad, so quite soon it was a salad on a tortilla, and still it lacked deliciousness. I feel certain that somewhere in there is a lesson of some kind. Possibly just: HAVE THE TURKEY MEATLOAF, however.

INT. BARNES & NOBLE – SELF-HELP SECTION – DAY

We’re in the self-help section, looking for things on, you know, “How to stop hating everything”.

NAOMI
What about this one?

ELANA
“Why Your Life Sucks”? Really?

NAOMI
It’s just being honest.

Two UCLA-student types, a boy and a girl, approach. They do so in that shy and dawdling way that either means that they’re embarrassed, or that they’re trying to smuggle pizza into a movie theater. For instance.

We look at each other, wondering why these kids are casing the joint.

NAOMI
…oh.

ELANA
What?

Naomi indicates a sign nearby:

SEX & EROTICA

ELANA
…Oh.

The UCLA kids shuffle their feet and elbow each other, trying to pretend that they’re not looking at the books. We watch the free entertainment with unholy glee.

UCLA GUY
Um.

UCLA GIRL
(gesturing with her chin)
It’s right there. Just—get it already.

UCLA GUY
I don’t know, Jenna—

UCLA GIRL
Come on, Mike! I came with you, like we agreed. It’s time for you to hold up your end of the deal…

Mike, one of those pleasant-but-not-too-bright-looking frat guys, shifts from foot to flip-flopped-foot. Gingerly, he reaches for a book.

UCLA GUY
Fine.

UCLA GIRL
Fine!

They head for the register, hiding the book in between them.

We immediately check out the now-empty space, between two other copies of I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING DOWN THERE, BUT IT’S TOTALLY UNHELPFUL: A REMEDIAL GUIDE FOR MEN.

ELANA
Why do you think Mike didn’t just get it from Amazon? Where no one can judge you for being terrible at it?

NAOMI
Maybe he was so terrible Jenna just couldn’t wait for the overnight shipping?

A terrible secret

My boss likes to call me and say: “Oh, Human Thesaurus! I need a word that means “flat”, but isn’t flat.”

I don’t think she realizes that my immediate comeback of “Supine? Prone? Tabular?” isn’t in fact due to my massive intelligence but instead because thesaurus.com is my startup page.