I don’t know, what does a beard sound like?

I have this problem where I listen to a lot of music but almost never read any music journalism, so I never know what’s going on with anything.

CASE STUDY 1: Last year I stumbled on this band Television. I thought they were really great! They had this fantastic retro-pastiche punky sound. I thought. I happened to be talking about them to my friend R. one day. “Have you heard of this band Televsion?” I said. “They’re really great. They sound like a band from the 70s, but in this totally cool way.”

“Hmmm,” R. said. “Do you maybe mean Television, a band that was big in the actual 70s?”

(That’s exactly what I meant.)

CASE STUDY 2: I like to talk to my dad about music. He’s pretty cool. I’ll say things like “Hey, do you know about this outfit Fairport… something, Fairport Fairgrounds, something like that?” and my dad will say “Do you perhaps mean Fairport Convention?” and I’ll say “YES! Fairport Convention!” and he’ll say “You realize that this is a band that’s older than you are.”

And I’ll say “…well, no, I didn’t. Actually.”

And he’ll say “What is wrong with you.”

CASE STUDY 3: Recently I saw a picture of a man with a really fine beard. I happen to like men with beards. I think they’re, I don’t know, fetching. Anyway, I was admiring this picture of a guy with a beard, drinking a cup of coffee (the guy, not the beard. It wasn’t a sentient beard or anything.) and then I turned to my friend and said “Who do you think this guy is?” and she said “…that’s Dan Bejar.”

“…?”

And she said: “Seriously, who is Dan Bejar? He’s in Destroyer. He’s in the New Pornographers! You love those bands! How don’t you know this?”

“Someone in Destroyer has a beard? They don’t have a very beardy sound, do they?”

And my friend, being polite and kind, looked at me like I was an idiot, but said nothing.

Power to the people!

I made my friend D. go to the WGA march on Hollywood over lunch (assistant power! We’ll totally shut down the town by not answering phones! During our lunch break.)

1) We couldn’t figure out – being late arrivals – if Alicia Keys was there, or if they were just playing Alicia Keys CDs. Loudly. This brings up several additional questions:
a. Is Alicia Keys a big union person?
b. Or did the organizers just think “Oh, you know those writers. HUGE R&B fans. Huge.”

2) I was near a group of SEIU folks. They were so cool. They had DRUMS. And CHANTS. And RHYTHM. All around them, writers – being naturally kind of nerdy, easily-embarrassed people, clapped awkwardly and hesitantly agreed that, yes, When we strike, we win and, indeed, This is union territory. It was very touching. Awww.

3) There were young people in dark suits handing out pastries. These young people in dark suits, I eventually realized, were not agency assistants, but Scientologists.
a. Are Scientologists big union people?
b. No one was eating their pastries.

(Thanks to Danelle for the picture, and for going with me, and for not laughing hysterically when I tripped over a curb, ahahaha.)

A loose-cannon white marshall/gourmand and a black, straight-arrow preacher lock horns over the treatment of frontier hookers– with hilarious (and tasty!) results!

Cookbook and Script Writers(Action Western
Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2007-11-13, 4:16PM PST

I need someone to help me finish writing a cookbook for publishing(w/ letter to me about the book from Julia Childs).I also need a Movie Scriptwriter who can do good classic western drama/action(about the first great western real life hero(in the history books!)(ie. once upon a time in the west,meets miami vice). [Contact redacted.]

* Location: Los Angeles
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: Price Negotiable

Share in the legacy of dryness

So you know The Onion (America’s Finest News Source!), yes?

They also make gift boxes. Not with actual gifts inside or anything ridiculous like that. Just the box, so you can package up whatever last-minute crapfest of a present you bought at 7/11 on the way over.

Make Your Own Umbrella kit.

!!!!

I’m pretty crushed that this kit doesn’t exist. I’m on fire with longing to own the “Hong Konger”.

The rest, plus offensive holiday cards.

If only the Airwolf theme had lyrics.

This morning I finally managed to bring the striking writers outside the studio foodstuffs. Well, because it was warm out, I brought them orange juice. And plastic cups, because I’m thoughtful and classy.

“I brought you this juice,” I said.

“Thank you,” a writer said. “It’s hot out here!”

“Whoo, JUICE,” another writer said. “Bless you, and thank you for not bringing us donuts.”

“…heh, yeah, what kind of FOOL would be bringing you donuts?“

And then I put the juice down and said “Well. Good luck.” and then FLED BACK INSIDE TO ANSWER PHONES.

Glamorous.

***

Like everyone else, I have been enjoying this video: Voices of Uncertainty, wherein CEOs of huge media conglomerates, men who are RICH LIKE OPRAH, brag about how freakin’ much money they’re making on new media.

Fun!

***

I have discovered the blog Late Show Writers On Strike, which is by and about, er, The Late Show writers. Who are on strike. And whatnot.

At first I was all “Hee hee hee! These guys are hilarious!” and then I got that bitter feeling you get when you realize that someone is funnier than you are:

Q: What is life like on the picket line?

It’s actually far more dangerous than the media is reporting. Careless handling of picket signs has resulted in several mild corneal abrasions. For more informaiton visit http://www.webmd.com/eye-health/corneal-abrasions.

Q: Will the networks attempt to use the writers’ strike, particularly if it is an extended strike, to cancel “Airwolf”?

“Airwolf” was cancelled in 1987.

But then I got over my bitterness, because people in general do not make nearly enough Airwolf jokes.

Contemporary TV dramas could, I feel, feature more eyepatches.

Here is the theme sequence: HE IS PLAYING HIS CELLO BY A LAKE YOU GUYS. And there are great shots of Eyepatch Guy.

“Another few weeks, and they might have to start flying commercial!”

HA HA HA!

This video, wherein a mogul gives his point of view on the WGA strike, is excellent.

“At least two of my five homes could be in danger!”

“A year from now, you’ll probably go to the movies, and it’ll be mostly just explosions and people bumping into each other.”

This person is hilarious.

Neal Pollack; Man Cold

You should read this high-larious article by the delightful Neal Pollack, Striking Writer. In fact, if you click on only one link on this fine Sunday afternoon, you should click on that one. And then scroll down to the photo captioned “Neal Pollack Fights The Power”.

GLORIOUS.

Wait, I lied! If you click only TWO links this fine Sunday, you should read about Neal Pollack and then you should go watch this clip my aunt Jenny (HI, AUNT JENNY!) sent. It’s from the British sketch comedy series “Man Stroke Woman”. It’s rather good.

Dammit woman, he’s got a MAN COLD.

Problems encountered in my quest to finally bring writers foodstuffs

1) I didn’t realize donuts came in specific SETS.

Guy at cash register of supermarket: “So that’s a dozen, right?”

Me: “…um, I think it’s… 11.”

Guy at cash register: “…”

Me: “I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BUY THEM AS DOZENS.”

Guy at cash register: “Really?”

Me: “Okay, NOW this is ringing a bell, but… Just charge me for a dozen and I’ll get the extra one on the way out.”

2) The writers were all at Fox.

Yes, I’m a pretty smart girl.

Really tremendous news for those of us who need coffee to survive

Lots of coffee may keep your brains from falling out as you age, says Science.

JOHN 3:16

My pal Terrance and I took a stroll around the lot to clear our heads, and stopped to provide moral support to the WGA picket. Also, we wanted to enjoy the drummer. It was pretty funky.

It was then that we noticed how oddly subdued the picket line was. And ONLY THEN did we see

THE GLORY

OF THE GUY

With the nine-foot tall

JESUS SAVES SINNERS FROM HELL banner

!!!!

It was really awkward. He’d walk to one side of the line. The writers would sort of go “…” and move away, he’d start shouting

THE PHAROAHS OF EGYPT MUMBLE MUMBLE! SIN! LET MY PEOPLE GO!

To deal with the discomfort, Terrance and I concocted appropriate dialog.

WRITER A
So, did you read American Gangster yet?

WRITER B
I haven’t, I’ve been catching up on last season of The Wire–

CO-OPTING YOUR PICKET FOR JESUS GUY
Hi there. Have you read a little book I like to call THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD?

WRITER A
…

CO-OPTING YOUR PICKET FOR JESUS GUY
Sure, you’ve got your thrillers, your Adam Sandler comedies… but can you match the drama of GOD BECOMING FLESH AND DWELLING AMONGST US?

WRITER B
…I… left my sign over there—

WRITER A
Hey, yeah! I like your “write/right” play on words.

WRITER B
Thanks—

CO-OPTING YOUR PICKET FOR JESUS GUY
Can I give you my witness?

I’m sorry for my uncomfortable giggling, WGA strikers! I support your cause whole-heartedly. It’s just. NINE FOOT TALL BANNER ABOUT HELL.

I will bring you foodstuffs tomorrow to buy off my guilt.