Wears colors to hide dominating left brain

I am obsessed with the Helsinki-based street-fashion blog Hel Looks. Finnish people are so interesting! If they had to move to LA they would probably all die of horror.

Here is a good recent Hel Looks person: Martti (26), “N.W.A. and 20th century Pet Shop Boys are a constant source of inspiration.”

WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS. But isn’t it great?

This weekend I spent some time in a Starbucks to read some scripts, and it’s always interesting how many people appear to be there on (blind) dates. There was the young couple who had nothing at all to say for the first five minutes (I was all panicky and tense on their behalf) but then warmed up. And then there was the boy who clearly made his female date really flustered with his cuteness, so she got kind of… bitchy? You know what I mean? And kept taking calls in front of him! It was really odd. But they were there for three hours and then left together, so I’m guessing he saw through her neuroses.

Numberhosen

Why the British are better than we are in all non-superpower ways:

1) They have the BBC.
2) They have sketch comedy shows that are funny.
3) As a culture, they have an amazing ability to not need to have a lead-in.

In America, you’d have to EXPLAIN these sketches. “So you know, German game shows, they’re hilarious! And German has funny compound words like “toastvorausgeschmack”. And here is a sketch about those things.”

Or “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if a hobo had delusions of grandeur and thought he was Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, international detective?”

And it would RUIN it, and even so, Americans would frown and go “…?” and flip over to Are You Stronger Than A Dog.

But the British! They just have shows called That Mitchell and Webb Look, and they have astonishing sketches called NUMBERWANG and SIR DIGBY CHICKEN CAESAR, please enjoy:

“Thanks, Arthur!”

I have been reading a lot of pilots recently. I have noticed that many of them do this thing where the teaser will start with a sort of PUNCH of action and then cut away to a man and a woman Doing It in the, ah– Female Superior arrangement.

I don’t know if this is a reference I don’t get because I’m not a guy, or what. But it’s really sort of remarkable how often this pops up. Now I feel like I should probably write this in to stuff. So the dudes know that I Totally Get it.

“So I have this pilot–”

“What’s it about?”

“WHO CARES, it starts with four minutes of Ultimate Fighting and then we cut to a lady doing it, it’s awesome.”

***

Amazing new USA show in development:

“The Nanny Files” will revolve around the adventures of a 26-year-old nanny who cares for the kids of a widower police chief. With her network of nannies, dog walkers, gardeners and neighbors, she will work without her employer’s knowledge in order to solve his cases. “The Brady Bunch Movie” scribe Rick Copp will executive produce with Joann Moore (“A Walk on the Moon”) as co-exec producer.

OH MAN. That’s going to be the best thing ever. Like Murder She Wrote, but with some toddlers thrown in. Right? I’m excited.

***

I really like Rob Long’s KCRW audio column (“audiumn”?) MARTINI SHOT, which is inside baseball about the entertainment industry. And funny. Last week he talked about how people like to tell writers that they’re geniuses:

Like, when you call to give a writer notes on a script. Traditionally, this call begins with some lubricating kabuki. Something like, “We really loved the script and the characters and the whole world is so rich, and we really think this is a great, great stuff.”

And then there’s a pause, while the writer acknowledges the highly formalized transaction with an “Uh huh,” followed by, “And we really don’t have that many notes – Josh, do you have any notes?” someone asks on the conference call.

“No, I have a couple of questions, really, not notes” and then someone on the call says, “Do you want to just go through them page by page?” and then you’re suddenly out of the “wonderful, wonderful you” part of the conference call and into the “Page three. Can we get a stronger sense of the character as a hero?”

Hah.

Also, in his most-recent column, he refers to a writer as really high-maintenance, “a daily caller”, and I got all panicky. WHAT IF THAT DESCRIBES ME?

***

Last night I was leaving the lot, and a dad and his two daughters were walking up to the fountain. And the youngest daughter was six or seven, and the oldest was nine or ten, old enough to be very aware that SOME PEOPLE were TOTALLY CHILDISH.

And the youngest ran over to the fountain and yelled: “Dad, dad! Can I wash my hands in that???”

And the oldest did this great pre-teen eyeroll and said “Omigod, of course not!!!” Geez, kids today.

Anyway, I was smiling very broadly and delightedly at this, when a guy in a suit walked by, and from his “…heyyyy….” response, I am 95% sure he thought that my broad, delighted smile was me hitting on him. I felt really awkward about the whole thing.

***

Dramatic Tarsier!

***

I’ve been delighted by Arthur The Possibly Heavily Drugged Haitian Weatherman for several days, and on the off chance you haven’t seen it (watch it at least three times. It’s only nine seconds, and the hilarity increases with each viewing):

***

I like to read articles about war-type things, so I found this one mostly interesting: Navy SEALs: Mental Strength and Courage. Especially the part where it is revealed that they’ve bribing the locals into cooperating by disposing of their enemies. Hmmm.

Also, one of the guys says “These Bedouin tribes… their loyalties shift like the sands!” which is a line that should be taken out back and put out of its misery.

“@#$%! *&^%! $%^*!!!”

“@#$%! *&^%! $%^*!!!”

1) This is the best non-Onion headline I’ve ever seen:

U.S. Spies Disgruntled with Superiors, Have Doldrums

2) I was just thinking about how there should be a series of horrible videos sold on late-night cable about Drunk Girls With High Self Esteem. It would be all “Show you my boobs! Why don’t YOU show me YOUR boobs? Ahahahahahaha, I’m so hilarious. Oh man, I feel kinda sick.”

3) While Googling to see if anyone had already made these videos, I discovered this article (a PDF, CLICK IF YOU DARE) describing how high self-esteem does you no good at all except for an improved sense of well-being and generally increased happiness. Well, sure! Put it like that, what’s the point?

4) This article, A World Without Me, combines my two favorite things, to wit: a) the apocalypse and b) hilarity.

After three months, animals not usually encountered in urban areas will have ventured into the apartment. Wolves roam freely, scavenging for food and drinking out of the toilet. An antelope buries its snout in a half-empty box of Cheerios. A mountain lion knocks over the milk, rendering the entire kitchen and part of the connecting hall uninhabitable for several months.

5) The executive in the Lair of Inappropriateness keeps swearing angrily under his breath. It makes me really nervous.

???

???

On the way to work I was scrolling through radio stations, and I happened upon these two dudes talking about family life. And this episode was focused on:

Our Teenage Daughters: Are They Shameless Hussies? Yes They Are.

It’s been a while since I was a teenage girl, but I just don’t remember teenage girls being aggressive Jezebels, pursuing sad-sack teenage boys until the boys burst into tears. Which was pretty much the claim of the guy on the radio.

???

Also, the man in charge of giving out advice suggested that fathers spend a lot of time hugging and kissing their daughters, even after they (ominous pause) DEVELOP. Yes, he agreed that it was a horrifying prospect, but it was a man’s duty.

And THEN, and this was the exact, amazing language he used, the dude recommended that men date their daughters. Why, he himself had been dating his daughters since they were three and four years old. And if he had one regret in life, it was that he hadn’t dated his daughters more.

PS, he also went off on a tangent about how wives are to blame for all of this, because they DRESS LIKE HARLOTS.

Man, wholesome living is clearly a lot fancier than I realized.

Seersucker.

So the other day I was at the fabric/craft store (I am so cool, you guys! It’s crazy.) and there was this mom with a tiny (but sturdy-looking!) girl preschooler. And the little girl was marching around holding a wreath. And she kept informing people:

“This is a wreath.”

It was the best.

I don’t really understand people who don’t like kids. Sure, I get people not wanting their own, but how can you not find kids entertaining? That’s like their whole THING, to entertain.

This weekend, my neighbor Pete (he of the AXIAL DANCING) brought us an Easter egg and a picture of himself with the Easter Bunny. In the picture, he was wearing a really outstanding seersucker suit and a tie he picked out himself and flip-flops.

When was the last time an adult of your acquaintance gave you a picture of himself in a seersucker suit?

(Well. I guess if that happened it would either be super-creepy, or, like, your… Southern law professor, and you’d go “OH. Thank you, Professor. How thoughtful.” but still be totally creeped out.)

BUT. From a seven-year-old, it’s fantastic.

***

OH NO, you guys. My favorite-ever military person has been asked not to return.

I don’t know anything about him. Or his politics. Or work history. He’s my favorite because I’m shallow, and his name is-

Are you ready?

VICE ADMIRAL JOHN “BOOMER” STUFFLEBEEM.

It is unlikely that the world will ever know another highly-placed naval officer with such an excellent name. Sigh! Admiral Stufflebeem, I wish you Godspeed into a highly-paid civilian consulting gig.

Nobody wants to marry a dullard, it seems.

1. Other people do not find Who Wants To Marry A Dullard as hilarious as Naomi and I do. Naomi theorizes that this is because she and I have a particular fear of being married to dullards, so joking about it burns off some anxiety. Which makes sense. Only I don’t understand how being married to a dullard isn’t a UNIVERSAL FEAR, like death or banging your shins on sharp-edged furniture.

2. Jane Espenson is talking about how you pitch things.

I am possibly the world’s worst ever pitcher, a powerful cautionary tale* to– to everyone else. I’ve already mentioned the time that I was telling someone about a female-wrestling comedy in the vein of Blades of Glory, only I didn’t mention that it was a comedy. And the dude was all “Oh, okay. Like Fight Club with ladies? Cool.”

NO. Not like Fight Club with ladies, good lord.

So! Apparently I make comedies sound like edgy dramas. But! Bizarrely, when I pitch things that are serious, you know- I am sort of incapable of being serious for more than four or five seconds at a time. I just can’t do it. So I’ll make it through one sentence and then not be able to handle it anymore. I’ll pitch things to a friend, just to run an idea up the flagpole, and they’ll hear my TOTALLY SERIOUS INTERNATIONAL SPY DRAMA IDEA and go “So… this is a romantic comedy?”

WHAT? No. Was it the part where I said “The spy wore flattering, hi-tech pants”? That was– that was just because I couldn’t take being serious anymore! The inner tension gets to be too much, and I snap! And throw out some weird phrase!

I must stop doing this.

3. This weekend I watched The Italian Job. It was quite good UNTIL Edward Norton is all “Blah blah, I am making fun of someone’s handlebar mustache”. And, you know, his character has totally… unique facial hair going on. LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT A VAN DYKE CAST THE FIRST STONE. That’s what I always say.

*This is one of my favorite weird phrases.

“Look out, someone dropped a jar of peanut butter in that aisle.”

“Hmmm, a powerful cautionary tale.”

“…”

I must remember not to use it while pitching.

Dispatches from the Lair.

In general, I am not a huge fan of election cycles. People insist on talking at you about how their candidate is totally going to change everything and make it awesome. Which is annoying! And also, then later their candidate is elected and ends up selling F-18s to North Korea and sleeping around on his wife with Thai orphans and the whole thing is just awkward.

(I do however vote every chance I get, and try to read up on the issues so I know in advance who’s most and least likely to do really horrible things once in office.)

However! This election cycle is producing some things that are really making me laugh.

FOR INSTANCE. Some enterprising soul collected pictures of all the major* candidates when they were “young and hot”.

Such as this picture of Ralph Nader… punching a little girl in the face with an airbag? Jesus, Ralph.

The commenters say excellent things, like:

McCain spent five years in a POW camp and he comes home looking like a damn movie star. Then after ten years in Washington he looks like the Grinch. Life in Washington is hard.

Also, in the Lair of Inappropriateness, two dude executives have spent AN HOUR. Seriously. AN HOUR. talking about the following:

1. If your teenage daughter can be trusted not to slut it up if you let her go on dates.
2. How you can tell if your wife is lying to you.
3. You think you know, but you don’t, because your wife? TOTALLY LIES TO YOU.
4. Religion.
5. Belief in God: for fools?
6. What to do if your son came home and announced his conversion to Islam.
7. What to do if your son came home and announced his homosexuality.
8. If that would be better or worse if you had several spare sons.
9. Wars America participates in.
10. People who buy their children expensive cars.
11. We should go to war against Venezuela. They have tons of oil.
12. Golf.

Oooh! And now Meat Guy has just entered the Lair. He comes bearing gifts for Easter: “You want wine? Of course you drink wine, you big [expletive deleted]. White or red? Come on, come on-”

*Yes! I know Ralph Nader doesn’t count.

Who Wants To Marry A Dullard

Naomi and I had some really great (for a given value of “great”) ideas for reality TV shows last night. We were pondering things like The Bachelor, which is basically about how women really, really want to get pretend-engaged to someone who looks like a Sears model. And we feel that this hasn’t been taken far enough! There’s more darkness to be plumbed at the reality-marriage intersection:

1) Who Wants To Marry A Dullard
24 witty women. One incredibly dull man. A remote lodge in Montana. Feats of strength! Trapped on a ski lift with the dullard for hours!

And then the twist at the end is, this woman has reconciled her soul to marrying the dullard. How bad can it be? And the announcer says “But wait! There’s a final choice to make. Will you take… the dullard, or ASHTON KUTCHER?” and the woman hems and haws and chooses the dullard. And the announcer says “You have chosen THE DULLARD… who is also ASHTON KUTCHER” and then the woman reels, shocked.

2) How Bad Do You Want It
Late-thirties career women desperate to get married (because that’s how it works) make a series of escalating, standards-lowering choices: “He’s a copywriter, homeowner, and he loves going to the dog park. Who’s in?” but then in the next round, they reveal more layers of the truth: “Actually, he keeps snakes and has a really bad gambling addiction. HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT, LADIES.”

3) How Bad Do You Want To Avoid It
The same show, but with dudes trying to get out of getting hitched. “You can marry Shelley, your girlfriend of several months, OR be in a completely celibate relationship with this supermodel. No. She won’t do that. Or that. No. Nope. Celibate, that’s right. I don’t know, Shelley will do whatever. What’s it gonna be?”

“Anyway, war is bullshit and you should listen to Ron Paul.”

I AM VERY EXCITED.

Generation Kill – one of my favorite books – is coming to HBO! And people who wrote The Wire are writing it!

Also, here is a French pop video:

The singer is talking about Cuizinier, who is a French rapper. It’s… a kiss-off song, I guess. Except she’s FRENCH. So the lyrics are crazy and amazing and go like this:

Je veux te voir
Dans un film pornographique
En action avec ta bite
Forme patatoes ou bien frites
Pour tout savoir
Sur ton anatomie
Sur ton cousin Teki
Et vos accessoires fetiches

My French is rusty, but not that rusty. She’s saying:

I want to see you
In a pornographic film
In action with your… manhood
Make potatoes or possibly fries*
To know everything
About your anatomy
About your cousin Teki
And your fetish accessories

Aside from how- ???? that is, the comments on the video remind me once again why I love Youtube users:

Hey what about you ? are you serving your county in the army or something ? I don’t think so. If you did. You would know that there are french soldiers “protecting peace” in Afghanistan, Lebanon, Ivory coast, Ex Yugoslavia and Tchad. About 3 millions French died fighting in the 20 century. Anyway war is bullshit and you should listen to Ron Paul instead of being an easily manipulated ignorant.

Wonderful.

*I have no idea.