It’s okay! I’m not allergic. Also, I took a Benadryl to ward off death.

July 14, 2007

I GOT STUNG BY A WASP. (I think it was a wasp, at least.)

GUESS WHERE I GOT STUNG.

IN MY BACK YARD, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEAN.

I GOT STUNG ON MY BOTTOM. THAT’S RIGHT. I HAVE THREE WASP STINGS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY ASS.

Sigh.

And then I rushed inside (what is it about insects that makes you FREAK THE FUCK OUT? It’s not like it’s unbearably painful or anything) and swatted at myself and squealed and generally panicked, running through the house SHEDDING GARMENTS, and then I calmed down enough to realize that at least I’d been stung through my skirt, so I didn’t have any stingers still EMBEDDED IN MY FLESH. Which is good. Because have you ever tried to examine your own butt? IT IS QUITE DIFFICULT. And then I was thinking about WHO I COULD CALL to look at it, and man, that really makes you re-examine your friendships, let me tell you, the rapid sorting into COULD CALL TO COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY BUTT AND FIND WASP STINGERS and COULD DO NO SUCH THING.

And then I went and looked it up on THE INTERNET, and I discovered that I was supposed to put meat tenderizer on the stings. Which, who has that? Let me set my time machine for 1959, BRB.

Also, the top Google result for “wasp sting” is from emedicinehealth.com, which wants to tell me not just how to treat a wasp sting, but also: “Wasp Stings: Causes” and “Wasp Stings: Symptoms”, which: FUCK YOU GUYS AT EMEDICINEHEALTH.COM. There’s only one cause of being stung by a wasp, and that’s BEING STUNG BY A WASP. Similarly, it’s not like there are many mysterious symptoms of wasp stings. It HURTS LIKE A MOTHER, and then there’s an insect buzzing around angrily, going “I THOUGHT THESE FLOWERS ON YOUR SKIRT WERE FOR REAL. YOU BIG JERK.” Yup… those are pretty much the signs.

Yes– I wore a floral-patterned skirt to go gardening. I can safely promise that won’t happen again.

Also, on EMEDICINEHEALTH.COM, the top ten topics are:

1 Brown Recluse Spider Bite
2 Food Poisoning
3 Sinus Infection
4 Shingles
5 Hernia
6 Blood in the Urine
7 Thyroid Problems
8 Sunburn (Sun Poisoning)
9 Blood Clot in the Legs
10 Genital Warts

Seriously, how many people are getting bitten by brown recluse spiders? I find this hard to believe.

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