Welcome to the Blue Moon detective agency.

July 21, 2007

You know who I enjoy? John Hodgman. This Christmas, I bought Areas of My Expertise as my gift for my office white elephant/yankee swap/pit of hell event. Those things are my LEAST FAVORITE THINGS about working in an office. Even less enjoyable than the fact that there’s no real milk for your coffee, and that you have to labor for The Man.

Anyway, that book was my gift. I personally found it HILARIOUS. I would keep stopping to giggle inanely while I read it. I would call people and go “HAHAHA, LISTEN TO THESE HOBO NAMES.” until they wished I would just fall off a cliff.

So I gave this book, and when someone drew it, the whole room went:


And someone said “God, I can’t believe someone gave an ALMANAC. What a terrible, boring gift!”

And they were serious. And someone else, trying to be nice, said: “No, no! Almanacs are great! They have tables for working out when the tides are!” And they too were serious. And everyone nodded and murmured, because they felt bad for the idiot who had given an ALMANAC. And I sighed. But inwardly! Because it wasn’t time to admit who had given what. When that happened, OH MAN, it was awkward for a moment, until I explained that they were all JERKS who didn’t DESERVE COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE, or a table on SIGNS AND PORTENTS, or a history of the FURRY OLD LOBSTER, or HAIRSTYLES THROUGHOUT HISTORY.

(Actually, I said “Well, maybe you can regift it!” But I totally THOUGHT mean things while saying it.)

Also. I am watching Moonlighting, that show where Bruce Willis is young and a P.I. and Cybill Shepherd wears shoulder pads and they fight crime. It’s for research purposes. And the pilot was both kind of slow and boring in that 80s way where the scenes go ON AND ON AND ON because MTV hadn’t killed our attention span yet, and also HILARIOUS. Like a guy falls forward with a knife in his back, and Bruce Willis goes “That’s gotta hurt, falling on your nose like that.”

And then also he’s getting interrogated by the cops, and he says “Hey, aren’t I allowed a phone call?” and they go “SIGH, the phone’s over there!” and he says “Thanks!” and picks up the receiver and says “So what do you guys like on your pizza? C’mon, it’s on me!” and you’re all SIGH, BRUCE WILLIS, WITH YOUR INSOUCIANT CHARM AND JOKES ABOUT ORDERING PIZZA! And then in the next scene, they all walk out eating slices of pepperoni.

Also, Cybil Shepherd keeps slapping him. I think ladies slapped a lot more in the mid-80s. Apparently. Based on Moonlighting and Dynasty.


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