My fountain, I b’lieve you have it.

July 23, 2007

You don’t realize how photo-realistic Office Space is until you’ve worked in offices for a while. When I first saw it, I was in college (DOES THAT DATE ME?) and I thought it was HA.HA.

When I saw it again, after having Actual Jobs for a year or two, I thought it was LIKE SOME KIND OF HOLY PROPHECY.

For instance! On Friday I was in the kitchen, making myself a cup of peppermint tea (“Peppermint: The Tea That Makes You Smell Like Bong“) when the Plant Lady, who looks and dresses and sounds almost exactly like the cat trainer on 30 Rock, said: “Have you seen a fountain?”

“…I’m sorry?”

“Have you seen a fountain?”

“…I. What? No. Like, with water? No.”

“It was just here.”

“…I’m really sorry. But I have in fact not seen your fountain.”

“Someone took it.”

“…I think that sucks for you. That someone took your fountain. That was just here.”

And then I ran away! Because I kept almost-laughing and going “I ENJOY YOUR BELT FROM WHICH YOU HAVE CUNNINGLY SUSPENDED VIALS OF MIRACLE-GRO”. It was awful.

Offices always seem to have strange Plant People. A few years ago, in a different office, the then-Plant Guy came in and seemed to be squeaking, and I said “Um.” and he said “My chihuahua puppies, let me show you them.” and he was carting around three tiny ratlike creatures, because he bred chihuahuas and their mother had died in puppybirth (THANKS FOR THE CHEERING NEWS, PLANT GUY) and now he had to take them to work with him so they wouldn’t die. We all admired them as much as it was possible to admire newborn chihuahuas.

And then a week later he was back! And we thought the puppies probably would have grown hair by now, and so we asked about them, and he sighed and explained that they’d ALL DIED. HORRIBLY.

This morning there’s a sign in the kitchen.

IF YOU HAVE MISTAKENLY TAKEN A FOUNTAIN.
WHICH WAS JUST HERE.
PLEASE REPLACE IT. (THE FOUNTAIN.)
THANK YOU.

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