Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence.

July 27, 2007

Holy mackerel, you people were right about me enjoying Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence. (Although I am not going to become a Ferret Lady. NO.)

KINAN
So why do you think it was called FERRETS: IN PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE?

ELANA
Well, I googled it, and I think it’s because there’s a three-part documentary series about people competing in unusual ways: ferret shows, Hairstyle Olympics…

KINAN
Oh.

ELANA
Oh no! You sound disappointed.

KINAN
Well, yes. I thought it was called IN PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE because ferrets are industrious little fuckers.
(beat)
I don’t normally swear this much.

ELANA
They were fairly industrious. They stole large quantities of athletic socks. And there was this lady who had built a ferret luge–

KINAN
Wait, wait.

ELANA
Yes. It was pretty much as awesome as it sounds.

Also, the ferret people were largely kind of loopy and composed EPIC BALLADS about their ferrets, and lifted their ferrets up and took them for walks outside (“In the ferret community, we call this butt-planing,” said the husband who looked exactly like I B’LIEVE YOU HAVE MY STAPLER GUY from Office Space, and I said: “?!?!?!?!?!?”) and this one lady had a freezer full of dead ferrets (she was saving them up until she had enough pounds of dead ferret to qualify for a bulk cremation discount AND I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP) – which was weird to begin with, but THEN.

THEN Freezer Lady said, as though this were a husbandly quirk on the order of, you know, sitting down to pee sometimes: “Hee hee! My husband complains that there’s more dead ferrets in there than food!’

HOLY SHIT. WHAT? I thought it was a DEDICATED dead ferret freezer, but now I’m supposed to be okay with the fact that you also store frozen taquitos in there?!?

BECAUSE, I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS.

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