For $49.95, I was expecting a Dog/Cheese Of The Month gift basket

July 30, 2007

Okay, I like dogs. I would LOVE to have a dog. I think about dogs ALL THE DAMN TIME. I constantly say things like “Look at that dog! Do you think he likes chew toys? I bet his name is Harold. He looks like a Harold.” I DRIVE PEOPLE CRAZY, in fact, with how much I like dogs.

And even I think that this is a bridge too far:

Flexpetz.

This service allows you to rent a dog. And if we can for a moment leave aside the fact that I’m imagining all these worried dogs with wrinkly little dog foreheads who are all “WHY DON’T I HAVE A FAMILY OF MY OWN?!? WHY DO THEY KEEP SHIPPING ME OFF TO YOUNG SINGLE PEOPLE WHO RUB MY BELLY EVEN THOUGH I HATE BELLY RUBS?!? WHY?!? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? HAVE I BEEN A BAD BOY?” that would be good.

Instead, I must draw your attention to their fee structure, which I wish to duplicate for my startup, “SIGN HERE YOU DUMBASS”:

For the first year of being able to hang out with a dog, you will be charged a minimum of:

*$150 startup fee/hanging out with FLEXPETZ TRAINERZ who will show you how to KICK IT with the DOGZ

*$99.95 account maintenance fee (“Yes… I am still maintaining my poor financial choices!”)

*$49.95 monthly membership x12=$599.40

*$49.90 minimum for your mandatory monthly Doggy Time purchases x12=$598.80

That’s $1448.15 for your first year.

$1448.15.

And that doesn’t include any additional Doggy Timez, sales tax, or – if you’re a slacker/can’t let go of the dog – a restocking “Inconvenience Fee of $75.00 per day, in addition to any Doggy Time Charges, if the FLEXPETZ dog is not returned on the last day of the reservation period.”

And for that low, low price, you only get a dog two weekdays a month.

I am stunned into silence.

WHO ARE THESE MARKETING GENIUSES. AND HOW CAN NAOMI AND I EMPLOY THEM TO SELL OUR SCRIPTS.

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