WE WILL NOT BE BULLIED! Sort of.

August 13, 2007

One of the reasons Naomi and I get along so well is that we really enjoy running errands together. Normal people call each other and go “Hey, come over, we’ll hang out by the pool and get drunk!” We go “Hey, do you want to get together Saturday? I have to go to the bank.”

This weekend we decided we needed to visit the craft store, because Vogue patterns were on sale. You don’t know how great this is, because you don’t sew, and because you don’t know how expensive Vogue patterns normally are. But let the record show that this occurrence is both:

a) Rare
b) AWESOME.

So we’re at the store. We’ve selected all our patterns. We’re about to go check out, when I realize that I could really use some marking paper.

But they’re re-organizing the store. Who the heck knows where everything is.

NAOMI
Let’s ask someone who works here!

A lady in the official apron passes by.

NAOMI
Excuse me.

The lady keeps on walking, with the full-body cringe that clearly indicates that you heard someone and are pretending that you didn’t, and hoping they won’t keep talking to you.

NAOMI
Um.

ELANA
Dude! She totally heard you!

NAOMI
I know.

ELANA
What do we do?

We stare at each other. Naomi’s brow furrows determinedly.

NAOMI
I’m going in.

She hurries after the lady in the apron.

NAOMI
Excuse me. Excuse me! Miss!
(as the woman unwillingly stops and turns)
So– Um. Do you know where the marking paper is?

LADY WITH INTERESTING CUSTOMER-SERVICE SKILLS
Nope.

She walks off again.

ELANA

NAOMI

Like we can’t help ourselves, WE FOLLOW HER.

ELANA
You literally don’t… know where it is?

LADY WITH INTERESTING CUSTOMER-SERVICE SKILLS
(rolling her eyes)
Um, NO.

She walks away again.

We stare at each other. Turn back to the lady’s departing form:

ELANA
You can’t just—you can’t do that! You work in retail!

NAOMI
You can’t just not know! You have to go “Oh, let me see!” and then pretend to look for it!

ELANA
Exactly! Or claim that you’re out!

NAOMI
Right! Or say that you’ll send over another associate to help us, and then never do it!

The woman keeps walking.

We stare at each other some more.

ELANA
Did we just get in a fight with that woman?

NAOMI
I’m unsure.

ELANA
Because it could go either way.

NAOMI
I agree. And, um, she really works here, right? We didn’t just have that problem with someone who likes to go outside wearing aprons?

ELANA
I think she works here. I mean. Right? There’s not some trend where you wear big green aprons to be stylish, right?

NAOMI
What do we do now?

ELANA
I guess we… check out? I guess?

We walk to the front of the store.

NAOMI
Oh NO.

ELANA
What?!?

NAOMI
She’s at the register. The ONLY OPEN REGISTER.

ELANA
OH NO. What do we do?!?
(beat)
At least we know for sure that she works here, though.

NAOMI
(serious)
Maybe we can ask someone else to buy our stuff for us while we make a run for it.

ELANA
(also serious)
Yes! Or maybe she’ll go on break soon. Like in twenty or thirty minutes.

NAOMI
Is there an emergency exit?

ELANA
I think the alarm goes off.

NAOMI
Damn.

We stand around for five minutes, peering out from behind a shelf full of garden gnomes.

NAOMI
This is retarded.

ELANA
Um, yes.

NAOMI
Maybe we should just go up and pretend we don’t recognize her.

ELANA
I would, but I’m really scared of her.

NAOMI
Yeah, me too.

ELANA
Wait! I just remembered! There’s another JOANN’S in Sherman Oaks! And the people who work there probably have nice, Valley personalities!

NAOMI
Oh! Hmmm. Would that be cowardly of us?

ELANA
Yes, totally.

NAOMI
Okay, let’s do it.

So then we put away all of our would-be purchases and ran out of the store. And drove from Santa Monica to Sherman Oaks during a weekend traffic jam. So we wouldn’t have to interact with a possibly-mean person. There’s not even a punchline to this story. I was telling my mom about it, and I was all HA HA HA, AND THEN WE RAN OUT OF THE STORE, TERRIFIED, AND GOT IN THE CAR, AND NAOMI SAID “START THE CAR! GO! GO!” AND IT WAS ONLY HALF IN JEST!

And my mom said: “…”

Pretty much, when even your actual mom thinks that maybe you need to man up, YOU MAY HAVE AN ASSERTIVENESS PROBLEM.

Advertisements

One Response to “WE WILL NOT BE BULLIED! Sort of.”


  1. […] fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants type gals. Right now the most action we see is like the time when we accidentally confronted the Joann’s clerk and had to make tracks out of there before she GLARED at us too […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: