September 27, 2007
LOOKING FOR HOLLOW EARTH EXPERT WITH MAPS
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2007-09-26, 7:41PM PDT
I am researching hollow earth theory and would like to interview someone who knows about it AND HAS A MAP TO LOCAL ENTRANCES. If you have a map, please email me back and I will schedule an interview asap. Could lead to a possible paying gig in the very near future.
* Location: LOS ANGELES
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay
September 25, 2007
This weekend I had to return some deodorant.
I’d grabbed it from the shelf without carefully scrutinizing the label. Instead of “unscented”, I’d picked up “VELVET BREEZE”.
Which sounds like it would be girly and inoffensive. But instead, it SMELLED LIKE DUDE. So every time I reached for the phone or my cup of coffee or tucked my hair behind my ears, I would get this disconcerting waft of Man Smell. You know, that Generic Dude Smell, that’s sort of Sharp And Artificial, and it’s how cheap cologne smells? It was like that. It was totally freaking me out! I kept thinking that a man was standing behind me! It was making me paranoid! What if OTHER people thought I smelled like a guy?!??!?!?!?!?!?!? SO MUCH ROOM FOR DISMAY.
And normally you’d just toss it and forget it, but unfortunately I’d taken advantage of their 3-for-2 offer to stock up, so I had to go back with my little pile of deodorant and fill out a log explaining why I was returning the items.
REASON FOR RETURN:
Makes you smell like a man.
And then the checkout girl squinted at it and asked what the last word said, and it was sort of awkward. But really! I don’t think you should call your product VELVET BREEZE if truth in advertising would require you to label it MAN-SCENTED.
September 23, 2007
Naomi sent this: it’s a skit of an author and his agent. His agent keeps making helpful suggestions to improve his novel.
That’s sort of how I pitch ideas, too. “Okay, what if something happens, only it in NO WAY resembles what I’m about to suggest– that is, it’s much better and more awesome, but the general idea is–”
September 21, 2007
Oh man! I’m sorry about the absence. I would say something like “We couldn’t blog the daily minutiae of our lives because we were too busy picking out furniture for our brand-new offices” but it would be, technically, a LIE.
Last weekend Naomi and I went to some mall in Torrance (“SoCal’s Regional Chain Restaurant Capital”). We did two things:
1) Eat at a chain restaurant
2) Shop at the Naturalizer store
Man, we’re such giant nerds. It’s terrible.
Neither of these experiences were as satisfying as you might think. We got so overwhelmed by the chain restaurant options (“What about LUCY’S SMOKE SHACK STOCKPOTTE? Is that a chain?”) that we went to Hometown Buffet.
At Hometown Buffet, we had a mild married-person argument. (Naomi and I aren’t married, but if you are, or know any married people, you will recognize the following.)
Okay, do you want to eat here?
I don’t know.
Well, we can go somewhere else. Like PF Chang’s.
I don’t know. I’m too hungry–
Anything you want is fine.
What if the food here isn’t delicious?
I’m just saying.
DO YOU WANT TO EAT HERE OR NOT.
Are you cranky?
(We actually had a very good time.)
Some things I have been thinking about recently include:
1) Do you think Matthew McConaughey is ever like “Everyone just thinks I’m a charming rogue… so I have to live up to that. But sometimes I feel like people don’t care that I have a mind— a whole inner life, you know? I’m really interested in Edith Wharton. And that’s just for instance!”
2) Earlier this morning, a lady executive (the one I call Cheri Oteri) stormed by, saying: “I NEED BUTTER. Does anyone have any butter? OH GOD.”
I don’t know why.
3) A few weeks ago, Naomi and I were going to this party in Venice, and we saw this car with a ton of humorless bumperstickers of the “ANOTHER FAMILY FOR PEACE”, “STOP THIS ENDLESS WAR”, “MEAT=MURDER” type. And we decided that the greatest thing ever would be if that person also had a “HONK IF YOU’RE HORNY” sticker, just to lighten things up.
September 13, 2007
I have a Tivo, so I almost never watch commercials. Unless they look particularly awesome (the one where the guy is dressed as a guy from AC/DC – I don’t remember what they’re selling, WITNESS THE EFFECTIVENESS OF TRADITIONAL MARKETING) or cheesy/stirring (the Marines), in which case I will rewind and watch them several times and tell people about them: “So I just saw this totally rad commercial. Yeah, it’s about a Marine. I dunno, he jumps out of a plane and bonds with his friends in various harsh landscapes. It’s pretty cool. You should check it out.”
My current favorite commercial is the one for Mr. Woodcock, the movie about how Billy Bob Thornton marries Susan Sarandon and it turns out he and his new stepson go WAY BACK… all the way to gym class. Cue jokes about the pain and humiliation implicit in dodgeball.
I keep trying to tell people about the joke where Seann William Scott appears to be challenging Billy Bob to a duel of some kind (I assume hotdog-eating-related, as they’re both strapping on bibs) and Billy Bob goes “OH YEAH? You must like getting spanked… it runs in your family.”
Only, every time I try to share this joke with the world, I get it wrong. So instead of managing to explain that Billy Bob is freaking Seann William out by implying that his mom likes, you know… a firm hand, I make it sound like he’s threatening to send his stepson out back for a switch, and then people make this face, and then I realize that they just rewrote the move in their heads as a serious child abuse drama, and I go “No, no, see–” but it’s too late.
It’s very upsetting! Possibly this is a clue as to why I am still not a highly-paid comedy writer, though. Hmmm.
September 12, 2007
Do you ever read the message boards on IMDB? No? So it’s just me then? Guys, there’s some prime entertainment to be found in there. Most of the people type like they just came out of a (long) coma, but the frothing at the mouth, epic flamewar battles, and general humorlessness is pretty great.
HOWEVER. There’s this one dude, who, sort of like that guy on Amazon who reviews things like MILK, is having a grand old time. Here are his most recent posts:
September 8, 2007
My upstairs neighbors are having a party. Normally, when people here have parties, if they just keep to the front of the house, it’s fine! You can just go into your bedroom and fall asleep early like the OLD AND BORING PERSON YOU APPARENTLY ARE.
But there were these three dudes on the back stairs. And I’m trying to finish a new draft of my UNTITLED APOCALYPTIC ROMANTIC DRAMA. (No, really, this is something I’m voluntarily writing. I KNOW.)
And the dudes were having conversations about the following (their voices were clear and bell-like):
*Is it a dealbreaker if a hot girl you’re seriously interested in can’t spell?
*What if you’re just interested in Doing It with her a lot?
*That’s probably okay. All in favor? Motion carried.
*Oh man, I’m so wasted.
So eventually I went out and said: “Hey you guys? Would you mind going to the front steps? Our bedrooms are in the back, so…”
And the ringleader dude said “Oh man! We’re totally sorry. Are we bothering you?”
“…well. You know. Our bedrooms are back here. So.”
“Yeah… So you wanna smoke a bowl or something?”
Also, earlier, Naomi and I saw 3:10 To Yuma (A++, WOULD GIGGLE NERVOUSLY AT RUSSELL CROWE’S VIOLENT MANLINESS AGAIN.) and then ate pho.
I know it seems like all we do is eat food and watch movies, but sometimes we do other things, like go to bookstores! And eat food. Or get coffee! And talk about food we could maybe eat later. Etc.
(Sigh! Now there are NEW dudes on the stairs. These ones are all SENSITIVE. The one just said to the other “I’m all fuckin’ pensive, dude.”)