The Guardian of Colorado Boulevard

September 7, 2007

The other night, Naomi and I went to have sushi at a neighborhood restaurant. Several things happened:

1) I had delicious udon and splattered broth all over myself because I cannot eat in public without being messy. Apparently.

2) Naomi saw cops outside and said “They’re coming for you!” and, inexplicably, I ducked and looked terrified. (I don’t have any warrants out or anything. Really.)

3) We saw these two girls – picking up food from CHICKEN ON FIRE – who were dressed like hookers, but were probably just wholesome college students. The one girl wore shorts so small it was like she had missed the clothing/underpants divide in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. The other girl wore a pleated miniskirt that did not cover her bottom in any way. It was like a big fabric belt. And her bottom! Was RIGHT THERE! FLASHING THE DINERS IN THE LITTLE FAMILY-OWNED SUSHI PLACE! It was difficult not to feel alarmed and concerned, but then I suppose that young ladies who see no reason to cover their personal areas while picking up Thai chicken from a strip mall on Olympic are probably more forward thinking in the areas of personal modesty and wearing clothes that cover your entire ass, etc. etc.

And now, hot off the presses, an installment of:

THE ADVENTURES OF BUDDY, DOER OF GOOD

Last week on BUDDY, DOER OF GOOD:

Buddy and Naomi hang out.

Buddy and Naomi eat pizza.

Buddy looks around hopefully for squirrels or delicious crumbs.

In this week’s episode…

INT. NAOMI’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Naomi stands at her window, pointing outside.

NAOMI
(re: tree)
Buddy, look who’s up there! Who do you see? Who is it?

BUDDY
*blank stare, some panting*

NAOMI
Do you want to go for a–

BUDDY
*excited spinning and grunting*

NAOMI
–walk?

CUT TO:

EXT. LIBRARY – DAY

Buddy and Naomi exit the library and prepare to scour the city for good deeds that need doing.

Rounding the corner onto Colorado Boulevard, they cross paths with an opportunity for good…

HOMELESS MAN SPRAWLED ON SIDEWALK
Excuse me…

Buddy snaps to attention, his Buddy-Sense tingling.

HOMELESS MAN SPRAWLED ON SIDEWALK
I’m detoxing real bad. Can you call the paramedics for me?

NAOMI
You want me to call 911?

HOMELESS MAN SPRAWLED ON SIDEWALK
Uh, yeah, that’s what I said, smartass!

Buddy sniffs him, gauging the level of emergency, then sits and looks expectantly at Naomi:

BUDDY
(“What, you think I’m gonna just whip out my iPhone and make the call? NO THUMBS HERE ALL RIGHT.”)
*meaningful glance*

Under his supervisory gaze, Naomi waits on hold for several minutes and finally gets through to Emergency Services.

With wailing sirens in the distance, Buddy and Naomi head home, the streets of Santa Monica safe for one more day.

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One Response to “The Guardian of Colorado Boulevard”

  1. Naomi Says:

    What I left out of the 911 story was that – after I made the call and they took all of the information about the situation, location, etc. INCLUDING my contact info – I wasn’t sure what to do. It’s not like Detox Guy was my friend; I was basically just letting him use my phone. And the 911 operator asked me all these questions, like ‘Is he fully conscious?’ ‘Is he vomiting?’, ‘Is he bleeding?’. (Ew.) And, to be honest, Detox Guy didn’t look all that ill. So then I got really worried that the paramedics would get there and be like, ‘Okay, Guy, which sucker with a cell phone did you get to call us, completely unnecessarily?’, and then what if they yelled at me or something?
    So we left. Quickly. Which is why the sirens were wailing *in the distance*.


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