Velvet Breeze

September 25, 2007

This weekend I had to return some deodorant.

I’d grabbed it from the shelf without carefully scrutinizing the label. Instead of “unscented”, I’d picked up “VELVET BREEZE”.

Which sounds like it would be girly and inoffensive. But instead, it SMELLED LIKE DUDE. So every time I reached for the phone or my cup of coffee or tucked my hair behind my ears, I would get this disconcerting waft of Man Smell. You know, that Generic Dude Smell, that’s sort of Sharp And Artificial, and it’s how cheap cologne smells? It was like that. It was totally freaking me out! I kept thinking that a man was standing behind me! It was making me paranoid! What if OTHER people thought I smelled like a guy?!??!?!?!?!?!?!? SO MUCH ROOM FOR DISMAY.

And normally you’d just toss it and forget it, but unfortunately I’d taken advantage of their 3-for-2 offer to stock up, so I had to go back with my little pile of deodorant and fill out a log explaining why I was returning the items.

REASON FOR RETURN:

Makes you smell like a man.

And then the checkout girl squinted at it and asked what the last word said, and it was sort of awkward. But really! I don’t think you should call your product VELVET BREEZE if truth in advertising would require you to label it MAN-SCENTED.

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One Response to “Velvet Breeze”

  1. Jg Says:

    Yes, I have some liquid soap from trader joes and every time I wash my hands, I get that generic ‘old spice’ scent. Definitely a take-back. Anyway, velvet breeze sound like a porn star stage name.


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