Do you ever wish there were a website where you could look up your neighborhood and find out if any irritating people live nearby?

My friend, this is your lucky day.

In my neighborhood, people have gotten these reviews:

“4AM guitar playing, naked cooking (“fuck off its our lifestyle!”), non working attorney and his dopey girlfriend. these people are the worst. nobody likes them and they don’t care.”

“Late night parties, loud sex, drunk, drunk, drunk.”

“These people leave the gate unlocked all the time so just anyone can come through and steal my bike.
Also, they have the loudest, most grating voices ever.
Additionally, The mother and son have some unnatural creepy relationship going on. Sometimes you can just tell.”

“Neighbors who live in the vicinity of this site will enjoy weekly shouting matches about the state of the bushes and different things encroaching into each others property line. These battles may or may not involve a garden hose.”

“This jerks playing music until 6 in the morning while his skanky looking gf has ear shattering orgasms. Yeah, I’m talking about you guy, guy in the black Lexus”

“LOUD late at night
the people in #1 are loud late into the night. constantly blasting music and trying to sing along (horribly, i might add). Total disrespect for the other tenants and neighbors. Blasting music up until 1am on a weeknight! visitors constantly blocking the driveway, park in the street why don’t you!”

Fame!

October 29, 2007

My desk is near a couple of executives who really enjoy celebrity gossip. Earlier, they were discussing how Russell Crowe apparently told some journalist that when they were shooting The Quick and the Dead (by the way, a totally underrated film! grouchy, alcoholic Sharon Stone! grouchy, spiritually-troubled Russell Crowe! Gene Hackman!) Leonardo DiCaprio kept talking about, ah, how he had not yet known the loving embrace of a woman.

The amazing part of the conversation was how the one executive went off on a tangent about how if she ever met Russell Crowe, she was totally not going to tell him anything personal, because look what happens! (She wasn’t being funny.)

I find this delightful! Can you imagine?

THINGS RUSSELL CROWE MIGHT SAY ABOUT YOU IN INTERVIEWS IF HE WERE TO TALK ABOUT YOU IN INTERVIEWS:

*Sometimes throws out old Tupperware containers found in the back of the fridge instead of being responsible and washing them out.

*Unacceptably high level of “So, Australians, you’re all descended from convicts!” jokes.

*Would like to visit Alaska, but have intense fear of bears.

*Likes Justin Timberlake songs, tried to convince Crowe of redeeming artistic value.

*Still hung up on perceived slight by Stan in Shipping in January of ’05.

ghost writer
Reply to: gigs-457599310@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-23, 2:21PM PDT

Very busy executive would like to hire a writer to send emails on his behalf on personal dating websites. And do a few enails back and forth to get the ball rolling..

This person needs to know how to write in a masculine, but romantic way and at the same time create a challenge for the reader of the email

* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $15 per hour plus bonus

Slumber Assistant Sought (P/T)
Reply to: job-453837648@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-19, 12:45PM PDT

Part-time person needed for nights. Ideal candidate will be kind, confidential, quiet, and dependable. Requirements are as follows:

Professional
Must have clean record and pass background check
Prior experience as a personal assistant a plus
Available nightly (7 nights a week) between the hours of 9:30 pm and 11:30 pm
Manicured and gentle hands
Non-smoker
Non-drinker
Quiet breather and no bad breath

This position is limited to ‘playing with’ client’s hair in the evening until she falls asleep. She generally retires to her suite anytime between 9:30 and 10:30 pm. There is to be no talking or communication unless there is a direct request from the client. Schedule would consist of arriving no later than 9:30 pm, removing your shoes, seating yourself next to the client’s bed, running your fingers through her hair until she falls asleep at which point you will depart the suite, dim the lights, and exit the estate quietly.

Position pays $400, weekly with no benefits. A photo of this client’s hair is below. Please note, it is curly and long and requires a very gentle approach.

Please respond with photo of your hands. Also, please include the most updated copy of your resume.

* Location: Malibu
* Compensation: $400/Week
* This is a part-time job.
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

The top Google result for “cancel google”:

I do not understand about google at this time

I feel sort of bad that I’m laughing at people who are confused or on powerful medication, but I’m still laughing.

Apocalypse Tuesday!

October 16, 2007

1) This article about why Los Angeles is the Best City In America: L.A. is the apocalypse: it’s you and a bunch of parking lots. No one’s going to save you; no one’s looking out for you. It’s the only city I know where that’s the explicit premise of living there – that’s the deal you make when you move to L.A.

2) The website for Southland Tales, which inspired this conversation:

ELANA
So in the event of an apocalypse, would you follow The Rock?

KINAN
Mr. Kinan and I, in the event of an apocalypse, have agreed to meet in Barstow.

ELANA
You guys are so ready to get married.

3) In the event of an apocalypse, I plan to hijack a SPARKLETTS truck. I feel that clean water will be at a premium as I gather my friends and we make our way up the coast to the high-biomass areas in PacNo.

The dangly glittery things will probably attract road pirates, but we can maybe cover the truck in camo netting.

The Litter Robot.

(Well, I personally would call it “A rotating drum of some kind” not “a robot”.)

Why do humans like things like this so much? I’m not even a very gadgety person, but I’m fascinated by things that automate already-simple tasks. For instance, if someone invented a remote-controlled toaster, I would be very interested. Toasting a bagel from across your house? A MUST HAVE.

Or there’s this guy, who designed and built a system that detects and then squirts (with water. Hush.) any pesky kids who are trying to sneak across his property. Also, it automatically tapes the event, which is basically completely awesome.

It’s probably not a very good sign that my personality has devolved enough that I now cheer on the kind of people yelling at kids to GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN, is it?