I am 82.

December 17, 2007

I am having this ridiculous problem. I suddenly can’t park. I keep hitting the curb. It’s like my brain doesn’t remember how wide my car is.

It’s SO EMBARRASSING. I live on a pretty busy street, and there’s usually someone walking a dog or standing on their balcony, and then I have to get out of my car and give a feeble wave, “Yup, totally hit the curb there. Three times. You betcha.”

Backyard Cat.

What is it? It’s a little tiny sandbag/weight attached to the cat’s collar.

Why? Because it throws off the cat’s center of gravity when attempting to jump with presumably hilarious results.

No, but why? Because some people want their cat to enjoy “freedom” without being able to “jump over the fence”. Apparently.

THIS IS A REAL PRODUCT. GMail just told me about it. Guys. If you click on ONE LINK TODAY, click on this one, and then watch the little video of the product in use. Unfortunately, the editor keeps cutting away before the cat tries to jump, so it’s mostly footage of cats wandering around a yard dragging a small weighted bag, looking cranky. And yes, I find that EXTREMELY HILARIOUS.

You must watch to the end so you can catch the part where the one cat walks by and the other cat doesn’t even stand up. It’s all “Listen. My spirit is broken. I’m just gonna sit here. All right? You have fun dragging your freakin’ sack, though.”

And then the STILL PICTURES. Of the cat stretched out on the ground next to the fence! I guess it’s supposed to be cute. But it’s clear that the cat is going “FREEDOM! FREEDOM! So close… so far away. Damn this sandbag. Damn it to hell.”

Also, the whole thing is set to Yanni, which increases the levels of glory two- or threefold.

Did you know that you can buy uranium on Amazon?

The particularly amazing thing about it is that People Who Bought Uranium Ore Also Bought the Futurama direct-to-DVD movie Bender’s Big Score.

And that People Who Viewed This Product Also Viewed “Fresh Whole Rabbit”, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Intelligent Design”, and “Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey Across the Last Himalayan Kingdom”.

Trying to piece that all together into a single customer profile is blowing my freakin’ mind.

Big Ox : Canned Oxygen

THE POWER OF OXYGEN

In today’s stress-ridden, high-energy environment, you’ve got to be at your peak performance. Because of increased pollution and the continued destruction of our forests, you might not always be getting the oxygen you need for your active lifestyle. Restoring higher oxygen levels in the blood can promote an increase in energy and alertness so you can work harder, play longer and perform better.

Food, water and oxygen are key to a healthy lifestyle.

I strongly recommend reading the testimonials. I personally am glad to know that oxygen in a can is helping our truckers drive all night without resorting to methamphetamines or naps.

DATELINE: STUDIO LOT, EARLIER TODAY

So there my friend and I were, minding our own business, walking across the back lot to go get something to eat, going past a group of carpenters, when we hear:

CARPENTER DUDE
(annoyed)
I’ve told you over and over, those go to Star Fleet Academy at NORTHRIDGE!!!

(For this to be anywhere near as fun for you as it was for me, you probably need to know that JJ Abrams is shooting his fancy new Star Trek movie here. And it would also help to know that Northridge is… well, if this were The Future, and humanity had united under a single banner, and we had a Star Fleet, etc., etc., Northridge is probably the exact last place Star Fleet would have an Academy. No offense, Northridge dwellers. But you know what I mean.)

I am observant like a hawk!

December 6, 2007

This morning I was crossing the street to work and this woman in front of me did this hilarious “Here I am crossing the street OH SHIT I HAVE TO TURN AROUND, I FORGOT MY KEYS– oh no, wait. Here they are. Um.” thing that I totally related to, and then I was all “hehehehe, that lady I can totally relate to looks like Grey’s Anatomy showrunner Shonda Rhimes!” and then the striking writers said “HEY, SHONDA! Your hair looks amazing!”

The CIA could easily hire me to be a field operative, with my amazing observational/deductive reasoning skills, y/y?

Do you use Google Reader? It’s great! It lets even people as dim about computery things as myself collect all the blogs they want to read in one place. And it also offers you suggestions, which is something I think everything in the world should do. Like at the supermarket, maybe they should go “We’ve noticed that you’ve been eating a lot of Fuji apples recently. Our customers who enjoy Fuji apples also seem to enjoy turnips. We just thought you might want to know.”

(I know I’m supposed to think all this stuff is creepy and privacy-invading, and I do! I do! But I’m also profoundly lazy, and that usually wins out.)

Google Reader seems to be really perplexed by my blog-reading choices. The blogs I read fall into three distinct categories:

1) Craft blogs
2) Writing blogs
3) Um, military-industrial complex blogs (I would blame the fact that I like to write action/thrillers. But really I imagine that I like to write action/thrillers because I like to think about the military-industrial complex.)

My Platonic Ideal blog, the blog to end ALL blogs, the blog that would be SO GREAT that it would make the Internet implode, would probably be by a lady anthropologist/knitter hired by the US Army as part of the Human Terrain project.

I keep getting incoherently excited to people about Human Terrain. I mean, GUYS. It’s ANTHROPOLOGISTS AT WAR! But then people give me that look, you know, the one I express like so in writing: “…”

They’ll be sorry when my human terrain thriller/romcom about a neurotic young anthropologist (Reese Witherspoon) fighting terrorists with the help of her wry Marine/Cyborg sidekick (Paul Rudd) is number one at the multiplex, thanks.

Further: this weekend I was home alone, and I heard a terrifying noise! It was dark! Something – OR SOMEONE – was moving around outside near the back door! If I had a husband, I would have called him.

“Honey, get your baseball bat! You don’t have a baseball bat? I THOUGHT HUSBANDS CAME WITH THOSE.”

Unfortunately, I don’t have a husband. So I had to hide (no really) in the hallway for a moment or two, until I gained enough courage to run around turning on all the lights (Fact: crazy door-to-door killers are repelled by well-lit homes.)

When I was finally able to look out of the window, I saw a GIANT OPOSSUM. Just moseying around! And then it looked up at me and went “…” and then moseyed away, not a care in the world.

opossum.jpg

FACT: Opossums have opposable thumbs on their hind feet for holding onto branches!