Bacon, dogs, inadequacy.

January 9, 2008

I was recently strongarmed into joining a social networking site For Professionals. You can look at peoples’ networks, and of course the people I knew knew many other people that I also vaguely know, and everyone lists their occupation, etc.

Let me just come out and say it: I AM AN ASSISTANT. I answer peoples’ phones. Sometimes I walk across the lot to get the bosslady lunch. No one ever asks me to analyze or synergize ANYTHING. I have never been required to maximize revenue streams of any kind.

So I was looking at the jobs people I know vaguely have now that they’re adults. (Are you still with me? I AM ALL ABOUT RUN ON SENTENCES.) And many of these people are people I knew in college, and many of them were not, when I knew them, the kind of people I would imagine would grow up to be Responsible Working Professionals Whose Jobs Are Three Or Four Or More Words Long. These are people who could scarcely be relied upon to remember to wear pants to class! And now they’re all with the having of jobs like:

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WOMEN’S UNDERPANTS TAGS
KOALAPants Trading

SENIOR BRAND MANAGER, DAIRY AND DAIRY-AFFILIATED PRODUCTS, LIKE EGGS
The Cheese Factory

ANALYST AND STRATEGERY EXPERT AND WHATNOT
Some Huge Company That Made 90% Of The Products In Your House

The potential for feelings of inadequacy is almost unlimited here. ALMOST UNLIMITED.

But I have the answer: This clip of Jim Gaffigan talking about how great bacon is.

I even like the name Bacon. You can’t tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn’t somehow tied to his name. You’re not going out to see a Kevin Hot Dog movie. “Who’s in this movie?” “Kevin Bacon.” “Sounds good.”

This morning, one of the writers striking outside had brought his dog with him. I feel like dogs turn me into Steve Carell’s character from Anchorman. Like suddenly I get happy and stupid and I just stare at them and smile and say things like “YOUR DOG! YOUR DOG HAS A REALLY BIG HEAD! THAT IS AWESOME.”

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