Who Wants To Marry A Dullard
March 20, 2008
Naomi and I had some really great (for a given value of “great”) ideas for reality TV shows last night. We were pondering things like The Bachelor, which is basically about how women really, really want to get pretend-engaged to someone who looks like a Sears model. And we feel that this hasn’t been taken far enough! There’s more darkness to be plumbed at the reality-marriage intersection:
1) Who Wants To Marry A Dullard
24 witty women. One incredibly dull man. A remote lodge in Montana. Feats of strength! Trapped on a ski lift with the dullard for hours!
And then the twist at the end is, this woman has reconciled her soul to marrying the dullard. How bad can it be? And the announcer says “But wait! There’s a final choice to make. Will you take… the dullard, or ASHTON KUTCHER?” and the woman hems and haws and chooses the dullard. And the announcer says “You have chosen THE DULLARD… who is also ASHTON KUTCHER” and then the woman reels, shocked.
2) How Bad Do You Want It
Late-thirties career women desperate to get married (because that’s how it works) make a series of escalating, standards-lowering choices: “He’s a copywriter, homeowner, and he loves going to the dog park. Who’s in?” but then in the next round, they reveal more layers of the truth: “Actually, he keeps snakes and has a really bad gambling addiction. HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT, LADIES.”
3) How Bad Do You Want To Avoid It
The same show, but with dudes trying to get out of getting hitched. “You can marry Shelley, your girlfriend of several months, OR be in a completely celibate relationship with this supermodel. No. She won’t do that. Or that. No. Nope. Celibate, that’s right. I don’t know, Shelley will do whatever. What’s it gonna be?”