Conspiracy theorems

May 21, 2008

It’s sort of sad that when you’re a writer, everything is grist for your own personal brain mill.

I was just reading an article about “Continuity of Government” programs (MARTIAL LAW handbooks, thank you.) and instead of getting all riled up about how this country is turning into some crazy Orwellian fantasy (which I assume is the correct response), I was like:

“Martial law, you say? SECRET GOVERNMENT MEETINGS, you say? CAMPS FULL OF UNDESIRABLES???? WHO OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THIS ARTICLE AND WILL THEY LET ME WRITE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE SCREENPLAY?”

I have noticed the sort of flip side of this effect when I’m brainstorming action-type scripts: you go back and forth about, for instance, Epic Government Secrets, and you keep thinking “Ugh, a SHADOW GOVERNMENT tracking us all??? Wow, that’s so original. Maybe next my brain can come up with something involving CLONES, because that would be equally fresh and awesome.”

We’re all kind of inoculated against conspiracy theories, I suppose. It must have been so weird in the 70s when themes of paranoia were starting to show up in film and TV, and you could totally pitch an idea like “So there’s this SHADOW GOVERNMENT-!” and people would go “Ooooooh!” instead of “Is this set in Iraq? Because it better not be set in Iraq. Or Afghanistan.”

I can only assume that someday, when the actual shadow government takes over and ships us all off to melon farms where we will labor tirelessly for our new melon-eating alien overlords, we’ll all be totally blase until it’s too late. YEAH YEAH YEAH, SHADOW GOVERNMENT, WHAT ELSE YA GOT? Wait– who’s the guy with the tentacles? Why are there tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? …oh crap.

Also! Here is a graph. It made me laugh. And think of how my friend T., when we worked in the same SUPERCUBE, would explain Mysterious Male Things like how much it freaks you out when someone gives you an amicable back-pat when you’re standing at the urinal.

Oh! And this one. This one is also very good:

OH. One more. (Sorry.) This one makes me laugh because Friend Kinan and I often have to distinguish between regular “ahahahaha”, where you’re just amused, but not actually laughing, and “HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAH!!!!!!!!” where the other person said something so awesome that you had to drop your head down on your desk to recover. It’s like an ARMS RACE of hahahahaha. Sigh.

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2 Responses to “Conspiracy theorems”

  1. Kinan Says:

    I made it to your blog!!!! Best day ever.

  2. chaia Says:

    Ew, men pat each other on the backs while they’re peeing? IS THERE NO SUCH THING AS PERSONAL SPACE. Actually, I find the whole concept of standing in a line peeing next to other people rather disturbing. PRIVACY, PLZ.


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