June 30, 2008
If so, I highly recommend a little thing I like to call “procrastination”. You might think you can’t do it, but you can! Here are some pro-tips from me, Elana, ACE PROCRASTINATOR:
1. Create playlists on IMeem. You can spend hours looking for music, checking out other peoples’ playlists, and creating semi-ironic all-Gordon-Lightfoot playlists that you delete before anyone can find them.
Time you can waste on this: at least an hour per playlist.
2. Read the hot new script that just sold for eleventy million dollars. Vacillate between “This isn’t very good” and “Maybe it IS really good, and I just can’t tell because I’m a dumbass”, then go back to “No seriously, wtf is going on here.”
Time you can waste on this: It really depends on if you can get another writer friend to complain with you or not.
3. Look up excellent dogs on petfinder.com.
Time you can waste on this: practically unlimited.
4. Get very excited about HBO’s upcoming adaptation of Generation Kill. Flip through the book again in preparation for watching. Google to find out what happened to everyone in the book. Discover blog by Marine officer featured in book. Obsess over truth in journalism for a while, but then get distracted how it is that the military is able to train people to be such extremely clear writers, and if there is maybe a course SOME OF US could take so as to be less with the rambling.
Time you can waste on this: you’ll naturally want to pull out all the other military (auto-)biographies you will be perplexed to discover you own, which will probably lead to you reorganizing your bookshelf. So you can pretty much expand this one to fill any amount of time you have available.
5. Discover with amazement that there are huge numbers of people with Harry Potter-related tattoos.
Time you can waste on this: really only about five minutes.
6. Covet this handy WTF stamp, ideal for anyone forced to work in an office and deal with your localized variant of TPS reports.
Time you can waste on this: Two minutes, unless you actually own the stamp and work in an office, then unlimited.
7. Check out all this excellent graffiti. My favorite is the BEWARE OF THE DOG, HE IS VERY SARCASTIC one.
Time you can waste on this: Five minutes to read the article, ten minutes to fantasize about a sarcastic dog who would go “Hey, is that t-shirt vintage? I thought it was. It’s really cool.” if you took him for a walk on Melrose.
And finally, an anteater:
June 27, 2008
Naomi sent me this:
It’s a news anchor starting off the broadcast by saying that his co-anchor Dana is off tonight, and then not pausing long enough before segueing into the next story. Man! That was unfortunate.
Here is my new favorite Barack Obama picture. You can click on it to make it bigger. Which you will want to do, as he is doing the WHITE MAN’S OVERBITE:
Presumably to calm the many white dudes who are all “Well, I WOULD vote for him, but… he’s so cool, I dunno, he makes me feel bad about myself.” NO WORRIES, white dudes, Barack Obama is willing to look uncool if he has to. He’s a uniter. In that picture he’s like two minutes away from breaking out the roll-the-dice dance move! He is your people.
June 24, 2008
You know how if you use the Google toolbar, it will anticipate your searches?
I was just searching for WHY DON’T HUMANS HAVE WHISKERS and the searches it helpfully thought I might want to check out were:
WHY DON’T YOU AND I GET TOGETHER
WHY DON’T YOU GET A JOB
WHY DON’T WE GET DRUNK AND SCREW
WHY DON’T DOGS HAVE BELLY BUTTONS
“Why don’t dogs have belly buttons,” I scoffed. “What kind of weirdo would google that?”
Of course, then I remembered that, OH YEAH, I myself was momentarily obsessed with the thorny HUMAN WHISKER QUESTION, and my sense of superiority slunk away and hid under the porch.
June 18, 2008
I piece together a lot of odd jobs in my attempt to both HAVE MONEY and BE AVAILABLE WHEN MICHAEL BAY CALLS AND ASKS ME TO DO A QUICK POLISH ON TRANSFORMERS 2 TO MAYBE ADD SOME DOGS OR WHATEVER. Today I am in the office of an Important Person here at the studio I often temp at. Working for Important People is always interesting. First, their offices are usually much quieter than the offices of Less Important People, which is counter-intuitive: it’s like the phone is too scared of getting fired to ring. Second, they always have interesting things lying around, like scripts or books they’re thinking of having adapted, or muddy shovels they just used to bury an underling’s body out in the lawn. What have you.
This particular Important Person is very nice (which is good. Many Important People are not very nice. Darwin is alive and well here in Los Angeles, where the weak are killed and eaten so that the strong may survive and rise to the top and make Seth Rogen vehicles.) but he ALSO has a meeting this afternoon with a writer about a property I totally love. I told Naomi, and she suggested that I, in ABC Family sitcom-style:
1) Cancel on the writers
2) Don a cunning disguise and take the meeting myself
Nice. I’ll let you know how it goes. Right now I have to cobble together a disguise that says DUDE ACTION WRITER out of readily-available office supplies. BRB!
PS: A man just walked in, asked me if Important Person was here (he’s not), and when told that he wasn’t here, walked past me and looked into the inner office himself, because clearly I was probably lying to him. Sweet.
June 17, 2008
I had a meeting this morning at Aroma Cafe, which has this enormous rabbit-warren of a patio. Aside from the fact that I person I met with was super-nice, the best things that happened were:
1) There was this crazy squirrel who hung out on the fence, inches away from peoples’ tables. All “Hey…. ladies. Ladies, over here. WHAT IS UP, GIRLS? You gonna finish that sandwich?” And he only had three legs! He was like a pirate squirrel, back from the wars.
2) This lady at the table behind us accidentally almost pushed over the parasol onto our table, and then said “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Did I get you in the eye?” She didn’t get anyone in the eye, but THEN she said: “My eyeball! My valuable eyeball! I need it for seeing!”
Which, because I’m chronically lame, is one of my all-time favorite joke structures. I had to take some calming breaths to stop giggling to myself.
Further, I just today found out about SOUTH AMERICAN BUSH DOGS. They’re small wild canids that live in Central and South America. Also, they’re endangered. Also, they look like OTTER DOGS:
They have webbed feet! Nobody tell Paris Hilton about these dudes or she’ll want one to cart around with her.