July 18, 2008
So I’ve been thinking about Batman, like everyone else in the country. Which led me to this burning question:
Why aren’t there any real masked crusaders? I mean, Batman is just a regular dude with a whole bunch of money and some unlikely DARPA-derived gadgetry. Why isn’t there an actual caped crimefighter here in Los Angeles? Or SEVERAL?
Is this a stupid question? Because I’m totally serious. Why don’t some of these young people who have too much money stop doing coke and making sex tapes and instead FIGHT CRIME? I just don’t understand why we tell so many stories about superheroes who are regular people with special BatCycles or Iron Suits or whatever, and yet you never see them in real life! That’s just lazy.
I would totally live in a city that had an Official Superhero. Wouldn’t you? It would be awesome! You’d look up in the sky and see the Batsignal and feel like all was well in the world. “What IS that?” “Oh, someone’s getting assaulted or whatever. But don’t worry about it. Batman will totally handle it. IT IS ON, CRIMINALS.”
Of course, in real life, most of your calls wouldn’t be about archvillains trying to blow up City Hall and would instead be… domestic disputes.
“Now, Lola, if you’ll just calm down… Troy, is it true that you called the dinner she lovingly prepared for you “filthy swill”? Let’s all grab a seat and talk this through.”