The Mystical Dog Incident
August 2, 2008
To help out a pal, this weekend I am going to a thing where I will listen to people pitch. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Elana, but what about how your own pitching skills are pretty horrible and always seem to involve you talking about agricultural terrorism?” Well, yes, BUT. I’m like a plumber! My own faucets are a disaster, but I have the veritable eagle eye for yours.
Okay, that is also not true. But you know what? I can tell you that there is really only a very small market for:
a) Scripts about male writers who get dumped by their shrewish girlfriends and then spend 90 pages sulking around the house before a model ex machina drops in to party on page 110.
b) Scripts that sound exactly like: Terminator (“It’s about killer robots sent back in time to bring about the end of the world!”) or Pretty Woman (“It’s about a hooker with a heart of gold who uses SEX to heal the somewhat broken heart of a billionaire!”) or Titanic (“It’s about the RMS Lusitania–“)
c) Scripts about agricultural terrorism. (Dammit.)
So I have that going for me.
This is a clip of Jean-Claude Van Damme dancing (and then fighting) in Kickboxer. I had this whole theory after watching it that the reasons terrorists hate us isn’t because they hate our awesome A++ freedoms or feel that we’re infidels, it’s because of the wave of terrible martial arts movies we unleashed on an innocent world in the late 80s (e.g. American Ninja 2: The Confrontation) I was looking up dates on Wikipedia to support my theory and everything. But then I got to the part of the clip where Jean-Claude does the splits and pops up to do the butt-shimmy and then does the splits AGAIN and I lost my train of thought.
IT IS HORRIBLE.
And why is his shirt a tank top/suspenders hybrid? WHY, 1989? WHY????????????
PS, while working on my Grand Unified Theory Of Martial Arts Films-Induced Hatred Of The West, I happened on this Wikipedia snippet about everybody’s favorite Buddhist, Steven Seagal:
Mystical dog incident
While being interviewed by PETA, Seagal was asked to provide an example of a special interaction with an animal. To lend context and meaning to his animal rights work, Seagal offered the story about a dog which approached him during his early aikido years in Japan. Seagal described feeling as if he had known this white dog forever. After keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned Seagal that his dojo was on fire. Seagal quickly summoned help to put out the conflagration. Seagal never saw the dog again.
YOUR DOJO IS ON FIRE, MAN.
Steven Seagal is awesome.