SAVE US, VIN DIESEL.

August 27, 2008

SO, last night, at Urth Cafe, I had this conversation about how people don’t like to make “women’s movies”.

Which is great! Because I also want more “women’s movies”, except other people usually mean “More sensitive ensemble dramas about divorce or cancer!” whereas what I want is, like, DIE HARD WITH SOME LADIES IN IT.

This brings me to my next point, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. The upcoming fourth movie in the franchise is going to be awesome for two reasons:

First, it has Michelle Rodriguez in it. She can always be relied upon to eff people up.
Second, Vin Diesel!

AMAZING VIN DIESEL FACTS:

1) PITCH BLACK is totally awesome.
2) CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK, guys. Who CARES what it was about. It had Vin Diesel breaking out of SPACE PRISON.
3) The only part of XXX that made me frowny was when he walked into his bedroom and there’s a LADY in her UNDERPANTS pole-dancing on his four-poster bed. I mean, I get that I, being a young lady, am not the target audience for action movies about extreme sports stars, but… really. OTHERWISE, XXX was great. I am not being sarcastic.
4) To entertain myself, I used to tell people that I was writing a script called:

VIN DIESEL IS VIN DIESEL IN VIN DIESEL: MAN OF ACTION.

People would go “Wow, that sounds fantastic! Let me know when it’s done!”

That’s how cool Vin Diesel is.

5) Vin Diesel! As mentioned, he’s going to be in the next installment of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. It also stars the sunless void that is Paul Walker. Which is too bad. But come on! Vin Diesel! Dudes, he’ll probably shove someone head-first into a wall. FANTASTIC.

Anyway, to back up, I was at Urth Cafe last night.

Oh… Urth Cafe.

I like the food, but I really dislike the people who congregate there, because I am a Victorian and also cranky, and man, it’s like everything that is horrifying about the Los Angeles/Ladies intersection! Women who would be very nice-looking if they didn’t insist on trying to look like they’re 26! Women who aren’t wearing nearly enough clothes and trying to make up for it with extra eyeshadow! Also, men with truly ridiculous hair, reading things like THE ZEN OF MANHOOD.

This guy had ridiculous Flock of Seagulls hair and hit on a girl waiting in line. The girl was wearing a… mini-dress, I suppose. THEORETICALLY. I was somewhat concerned for her modesty, but more so for my own feelings that I don’t want to see peoples’ cooters when I’m trying to drink iced tea and listen to someone tell me about their new job. ALSO, she was wearing those nonsensical gladiator sandals that come up to your knees, you know?

Anyway, Seagulls guy stands up and is all “Hey, I really like your sandals!” (…because you’re going to buy your own pair? COME ON MAN.) and she does that vapid LA girl expression where she smiles vaguely and listens for keywords, like “PRODUCER”, “CASTING FOR MY NEW MOVIE” or “HELLO, I’M MICHAEL BAY”.

I hope they get married. They’d make the perfect LA couple.

THE WHOLE THING MAKES ME FEEL JUDGMENTAL AND LIKE I WANT TO MOVE TO ALASKA. And THEN, when walking back to the car, I realized that we had to go past VILLA, and thus also the paparazzi waiting anxiously to see if anyone would stumble out with their boobs at half-mast, or covered in coke or AT LEAST start making out with a Lohan.

(I made us cross the street. It was a SILENT PROTEST, man.)

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3 Responses to “SAVE US, VIN DIESEL.”

  1. chaia Says:

    Urth always affords an awesome overpreponderance of dude ponytails.

    Also, now I want to get a cat porthole. I better figure out how to make a cat door for my bedroom door first, though. I am SO tired of the in-and-out-of-bed all night dance.

  2. chaia Says:

    p.s. a certain six-year-old you know was named after Mr. Diesel.

  3. Adam Says:

    This may be the best blog post I’ve read in a long goddamn time. I don’t even like Vin Diesel (aside from Pitch Black, which is awesome as fuck-all), but I would want to read that script.

    I’m adding you to my links. Rock on.


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