October 7, 2008
Dear Barack Obama:
Listen, this is sort of awkward, but you know how I gave you money a while back? I’m starting to feel like maybe I wasn’t clear about how that was just a one-time thing. You’re a great guy, but I’m just really busy right now. Between work and writing and thinking about dogs, I don’t have time to enter into a meaningful donor relationship at this point in my life!
It’s nothing personal. I’m still going to vote for you and everything. But I think we should both move on and see other people. For instance, you can see any of the millions of true believers who think that by kissing your ring they’ll acquire the ability to cure cancer WITH THEIR MIND or whatever. As for myself, I’m thinking of maybe becoming a Libertarian. I can carry around a copy of Reason Magazine, which I will use to deflect horrible political conversations at work:
“Say, want to talk about how Sarah Palin is EXACTLY LIKE HITLER?”
“CAN’T TALK NOW, READING ABOUT THE GOLD STANDARD.”
Anyway, it’s not you, it’s me. You seem like a cool guy and I’m sure you’re going to make some annoyingly naive first-time voter out there really happy*. But I really have to ask you to stop emailing me five times a day asking me to give you more money and explaining why John McCain is out of touch with the middle class. You and I really don’t have that kind of thing going on and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
Best of luck with everything,
*Until, of course, they have their first big WHAT THE FUCK moment about six months into your first term.