Things girlfriends don’t actually say to each other.

October 29, 2008

So The Ex-List got cancelled. On the one hand, don’t speak ill of the dead! On the other hand, MY CATHOLIC SCHOOL, LET ME SHOW YOU IT.

One of the reasons Naomi and I get along really well is that we both like to eat food and to talk about foods we may eat in the future. Another reason is how obsessed we are with dogs. Another reason is that we both like to be hilarious. Another reason is that SEX MAKES US NERVOUS.*

Because The Ex-List had a kind of cute premise and was about girls, and because I like girls, I watched the first episode. Well– I tried to. Really, I made it to about the halfway mark and then I turned it off, never to return. Because the one girl had just walked into the kitchen and flipped up her dress to show the main girl her freshly-waxed mons pubis. And then they had A CONVERSATION ABOUT THAT.

And the conversation did not go:

INSANE GIRL
Hey, check out my hairless private area!

NORMAL GIRL
Holy shit, what is your problem?!? GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU NUTBALL.

Instead it was like:

INSANE GIRL
Hey, had I mentioned that I am cool and edgy recently?

OTHER INSANE GIRL
No, but I love hearing anecdotes that illustrate that fact, so lay it on me!

INSANE GIRL
(lifts skirt)
CHECK IT.

OTHER INSANE GIRL
Wow, you got all your pubic hair removed! That’s totally awesome. I’m glad that we’re the kind of friends who can show each other our vulvas.

INSANE GIRL
Me too.

OTHER INSANE GIRL
What are you up to tonight? Do you have any PLANS THAT INVOLVE YOUR VAGINA?

INSANE GIRL
Why, yes– [sexual blah blah blah blah, I tuned out because I was too horrified.]

I think I would burst into tears if someone showed me their cooter for no good reason. WHO ARE THESE WOMEN who do things like this? I don’t know girls like this! Most of my conversations are more like:

GIRL HOLDING A BOOK ON DOGS
Hey!

GIRL READING THE NEW COOK’S ILLUSTRATED
Hey! What’s up ?

GIRL HOLDING A BOOK ON DOGS
Say, do you like pho?

GIRL READING THE NEW COOK’S ILLUSTRATED
The delicious Vietnamese noodle soup? HECK YES.

GIRL HOLDING A BOOK ON DOGS
LET’S GO TO LITTLE SAIGON.

GIRL READING THE NEW COOK’S ILLUSTRATED
Cool! Maybe on the way we can talk about how neurotic we are.

***

Also! In celebration of the fact that this election is ALMOST OVER and I won’t be able to share this much longer, I am going to re-post the most glorious bit of Obama-related good times ever:

Outstanding.

*…not… like THAT. Mostly what I mean is that I find it alarming when people want to have smarmy off-color conversations with you, or… people who don’t wear nearly enough clothing. Like there’s this girl in my friend’s neighborhood who walks her dog wearing the most IMPROBABLE shirts. And I make smalltalk with her and think things like “OMGICANSEEBASICALLYYOURWHOLEBOOBTHERE MAYBEYOUDON’TREALIZE”.

AND YES, I know that some of you are reading this and thinking “But you named your blog after a slang phrase for lesbian pornography!” – BUT, I didn’t actually know that people used that phrase FOR REAL, I thought it was just to be hilarious.

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3 Responses to “Things girlfriends don’t actually say to each other.”

  1. leisa Says:

    Awesome post. I have no idea what this show is about but yeah, i would have turned it off too. Love the way you recreate the conversation.. now I would watch it if they really talked like that!!!

  2. Janiece Says:

    No shit.

    This ranks right up there with miniskirt clad nutbars who conveniently “forget” to put on panties.

    Yikes.

    Modesty, how I mourn thee…

  3. anonymousassistant Says:

    Now, when you say “girlfriend”…


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