Misconceptions: Edward Norton/Objectivists

November 29, 2008

So Naomi is convinced that I have an Imaginary Boyfriend crush on Edward Norton. I’m not completely sure how and why this came about, but like I might say “Hey, did you ever see THE ILLUSIONIST?” and Naomi will say “What, that movie where your BOYFRIEND, EDWARD NORTON, is a magician?”

It’s always really awkward, because if I disagree that he is my imaginary boyfriend (EDWARD NORTON IS NOT MY IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND! Sorry, Edward Norton. You are a good actor and people make fun art featuring you. But… no. I’m sorry, Ed. I know you are crushed by this reveal.) Naomi gets very “METHINKS THE LADY DOTH PROTEST, LIKE, WAY TOO MUCH!” but if I say nothing, I’m allowing the misconception to continue! So I usually say “…haha. …you know that I don’t really want to have his babies, right?” and she goes “SUUUUUUURE YOU DON’T!”

Basically I am trapped in a catch-22 of not being able to protest that I do not love Edward Norton, because that just makes it seem like I love Edward Norton! Hmph.


So Google Reader recently recommended to me a blog by a bunch of OBJECTIVISTS. I don’t know why. I clicked on it and read the first few pages in some amazement. I didn’t really know that anyone who’s out of college was still into that.

What always strikes me about objectivism is that it’s sort of like… reincarnation. That is, nobody ever says “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that in a past life, I was a serf. And a Plague victim. And a village idiot.” (even though statistically that’s QUITE LIKELY.) Instead, people always think that they were probably famous priestesses or pharaohs or at LEAST heroes who died gloriously in battle.

Similarly, Objectivists are always QUITE SURE that in an ideal world, an Objectivist world, they would inevitably rise to the top. Because they are just that awesome. The only thing holding them down is the strings of the near-socialist society in which they are FORCED TO DWELL.

Which, maybe you would rise to the top. Or maybe you are not anywhere near as awesome as you think and in a pure laissez-faire capitalist society you would be begging by the side of the road because unbeknownst to you, it’s the very strings of the near-socialist safety net that prevent people from firing you, because they hate working with you and find you douchey and incompetent and bizarrely self-satisfied for no good reason. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?


Also, one of the Objectivists was a military spouse taking advantage of the military’s comprehensive health care system to the tune of many tens of thousands of taxpayer-funded dollars and I kept thinking, MAN, YOU LIVE IN THE CLOSEST THING THIS COUNTRY HAS TO A CRADLE-TO-THE-GRAVE SOCIALIST STATE, but you can’t shut up about John Galt! That’s so ironic it could be a new verse in THE IRONY SONG.

Expensive taxpayer-funded treatments of a type that are often not covered by health insurance you don’t get from people other than the military
For an Objectivist who feels trampled by The Man
Isn’t it ironic? Like rain on your wedding day.
John Galt would probably punch you in the face! Yeah!


Happy Belated Thanksgiving! I spent the day with Julie and Keith and Mat and two dogs. At one point Julie said “Hey… Mat’s asleep.” and I didn’t respond because I was almost asleep, myself. And then I heard Keith snore lightly.

When we had all woken up again, I said that it really felt very homey and family-like to be passed out on the couch with a bunch of people post-turkey, and then Mat raised his voice stridently and said THAT HE WAS GOING TO GET SOME DESSERT, GODDAMMIT in an effort to really give our Orphan Thanksgiving the ultimate touch of home: a family fight!



4 Responses to “Misconceptions: Edward Norton/Objectivists”

  1. Janiece Says:

    Don’t worry. Edward Norton will be safe in my seraglio, so you don’t have to worry about his feelings.

  2. Seth Says:

    Ha-ha…. Yeah, when I was in the military, this kind of thing was pretty common. Lots of people who think the federal government is bloated and overpaid and can’t do anything right, and I’m thinking, “You know that’s you, right?”

  3. Anna Says:

    Well now I don’t know what to think! Edward Norton is wonderful! Does this mean…?

  4. Naomi Says:

    I TOTALLY KNOW YOU’RE NOT IN LOVE WITH ED NORTON! He doesn’t even have a beard!

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