December 30, 2008
Okay, so you know how my blog is called GIRL ON GIRL ACTION? The reason I called it that is… there’s not a super good story. You have to call your blog SOMETHING, and Naomi and I once wrote a comedy about the underground female wrestling circuit* called GIRL ON GIRL ACTION, because it made us laugh every time we said it.
It has only been since having this blog that I have realized that quite often people who are using the internet to look for pornography use GIRL ON GIRL ACTION as a search string when googling for the kind of pornography where ladies pretend to be lesbians in order to appeal to, I assume**, the subset of the straight-male demo that is freaked out by the inclusion of NAKED DUDES in their porn. Yes, I am naive! In my defense I can only offer that I don’t really spend very much time thinking about pornography and tend not to know these things. I AM SORRY I AM SO UNCOOL.
The reason I know that people search for this phrase is that WordPress shows you how people ended up on your blog. Most of the LITERALLY DOZENS of people who visit my blog daily are, you know, related to me, or my college chums, etc., but there are always a number of people who ended up here BY MISTAKE.
Here are all the searches from the past two days, a fairly representative sampling:
girl on girl: Sure.
elana girl action: I think this is someone who can’t remember where my blog is. I hope.
mule on girl action: OH MY GOD.
girl on girls action free: “I WANT MY FAKE-LESBIAN PORN, AND I WANT IT NOW, AND IT BETTER BE FREE.”
funny pictures police: I parsed this not as “Funny pictures of cops” but as “Who do you think you are, SOME GUY WHO’S IN CHARGE OF POLICING WHAT’S FUNNY OR NOT IN TERMS OF PHOTOGRAPHS? Jeez.”
edward norton’s thanksgiving 2008: …I don’t know either. But like you, I am RIGHT NOW imagining Edward Norton’s 2008 Thanksgiving. “Hello, everyone, and welcome to my sustainably-built cob home. If you’ll join me in the solarium, I would like to read you some poetry I composed for the occasion. Please do not touch the solar oven to your left. It has reached nearly 175 degrees Fahrenheit already.”
“camo netting””craigslist”: I feel like I would either really like or be terrified of this person.
girl on girls action: For this person, two fake lesbians is just not going to suffice.
how to get laid on jdate: I believe that you need to SHOW OFF YOUR SALSA MOVES.
objectivists in the military: You know what always makes me sad? (And I say this as someone who is obsessed with The Big Sort and really tries not to write people off for things like this.) When you’re talking to someone you like and they say “I am a huge Ayn Rand fan.” THERE. I SAID IT.
young ladies in action: This is probably someone looking for pornography, but I prefer to imagine that they’re looking for examples of YOUNG LADIES. DOING THE THINGS YOUNG LADIES DO. Such as, thanking people for holding the door open! Making eye contact with the cashier! Standing up for others on public transit! Etc. But, you know… probably looking for porn.
People must be SO disappointed when they end up here! I kind of feel bad for them. I mean, when you’re in the mood for some fake-lesbian porn it must be really, really disappointing to read a blog about dogs, the apocalypse, snacks, etc.
I AM SORRY, PORN-SEEKERS OF THE INTERNET.
*Which kind of ALSO sounds shady, really. Dang.
**This is my working theory, at least.
December 24, 2008
So I really want a dog. It’s like my long-term goal: when I Make It, I can get a dog. I am not particular as to the variety of dog- I just want him to be sturdy and mellow (good for lounging!) and hilarious and friendly. I would not object if he turned out to be kind of funny-looking, like maybe if he were kind of barrel-chested with short legs and big paws… FOR INSTANCE.
Once in a while, my mom will send me books about dogs. Like once she sent something about dog body language (which, ACTUALLY, is really interesting, stop laughing) and another time she sent me a book on KNITTING RIDICULOUS GARMENTS FOR YOUR DOG, which is great in terms of the pictures of dogs looking embarrassed, but awkward in terms of other people looking at my books and going “…why do you have an entire book on knitting for dogs?”
(Here, I have to quickly herd them away from the Knitting Books shelf before they realize that I ALSO have books on things like “Fifteen hilarious baby hats the baby will resent when he is in college”.)
Anyway, right now I’m reading Cesar Milan’s new book on bringing a dog into your family. It’s making me feel totally inadequate and unsure! I’m not sure I can even have a dog! I just want a dog so we can go on long walks and I can feed him small bits of cheese which he will politely take from my palm and he can hang out on the couch with me while I pet his soft ears. But I don’t think Cesar would think that I’m ALLOWED to have a dog. It’s making me feel very nervous, and like there’s probably some kind of test I will fail, because I totally like it when dogs get excited about going on a walk, but apparently that is WRONG. WRONG!!!!
A few years ago, an acquaintance and I were watching TV when an ad for the Marines came on. She made loud, outraged noises. The fact that the Marine Corps existed was offensive to her. THIS IS RIDICULOUS FOR MANY REASONS, but primarily because the Marines have super great commercials.
Okay, so this one is kind of lame:
WATCH OUT TERRORISTS! WE LITERALLY HAVE A LINE OF MARINES IN WHITE PANTS STRETCHING FROM COAST TO COAST! You try to attack like a hardware store or the Hoover Dam or whatever, they’ll be on you like a bum on a corndog.
But in general, their commercials are good.
I think the Marine Corps’ understanding of its own brand identity is interesting: the other services have commercials that are like “I joined the Navy to get a college degree!” or “I joined the Army because they’ll train me to be a vet tech!” and they tend to have lots of ladies in their commercials, people looking seriously at radar screens, etc.
Not the Marines. The Marines are very clear on why you join the Marines: to hang out with other dudes and do AWESOME SHIT. Of course there are lots of lady Marines, but you wouldn’t necessarily know it from their commercials. As far as the idealized world of the commercials is concerned, the Marines are all-male. Which is kind of their selling point, right? You don’t join the Marines to get a college degree, you join to test yourself, to become a man:
Marine commercials don’t wave a bunch of incentives in your face. They stand back, all skeptical. OH REALLY. LET’S SEE WHAT YOU’VE GOT. Which is naturally a powerful attractant if you are, say, 18 and a boy, MUCH better than something lame like “we’ll send you to college”.
This is the best Marines commercial ever:
That one does have a lone girl in it, but… don’t you get the sense the filmmakers were forced to cut her in? The rest is all dudes doing really manly things and then the girl is all “I am jumping over this wall.” and then more dudes are like “OH YEAH? WELL I AM JUMPING OUT OF THIS C-130. Sooooo…”
From there, Youtube showed me this Force Recon recruiting commercial (although… due to the quality issues, I am unconvinced that this can possibly be something the DOD paid good tax dollars for):
The pitch is something like “America is under attack by terrorists! Our citizens need someone to protect them from this invisible evil!” and then it shows a picture of some Malaysian-looking guy with a gun. First, when you think “terrorist bent on destroying America”, do you immediately think “Malaysia!” or do you make a few stops elsewhere? Second, if we’re under attack by Malaysians, we’re not under attack by an invisible evil. Just Malaysians. You can totally see them.
And THEN the video says that we can all sleep well because “WE WILL BE WATCHING”, and it shows, awesomely, a Recon Marine slowly appearing from amidst some branches of pine. I know what they’re going for. But now I can’t shake the glorious idea that all over America, Recon Marines lurk in yards, keeping an eye on things.
Considering my obsession with things blowing up and super-cool shots involving violence, I could totally have a job as someone who comes up with ideas for recruitment videos. I would, for one, point out unintentionally hilarious things and ask to have them removed. I would also say things like “Enough of the shots of the guy walking over the rope bridge! Nobody is going to join the Marines on the off-chance they’ll get into Force Recon and be allowed to walk across a rope bridge. What we need here are some close shots of one guy gripping another guy’s dirty hand in a manly, help-you-over-the-wall-of-this-terrorist-training-compound way! And if there’s any way we can like pan across a vista and then come to rest on a small team of guys looking over it contemplatively, that would be good also.”
There is also a terrible lost opportunity in this video where the text reads HE CAN SPEAK WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, and then it cuts to some guy, just… hanging out. I had to watch that bit several times to be sure I wasn’t missing him doing something awesome, such as: placing a bomb, shooting someone, sabotaging an enemy vehicle… etc. So that’s another thing I would mention, that if you’re going to say HE CAN SPEAK WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, you must immediately cut to some guy pulling his knife in a threatening way OR SOMETHING.
I am almost done! Here is the last one, a “we are awesome” video from your friends in SFOD-D:
It’s so unfortunate when you watch something and cycle rapidly back and forth between “Man-! That is awesome.” and “LOL.” The guy in the headdress! Who just shows up and then disappears! What’s his story?
Also, Fort Bragg needs a new official font. That’s like one serif away from Comic Sans, The Least Cool Font In The World.
ALSO, someone needs to take away this person’s video editing privileges. Transitioning from one shot to the next via the SWIRL button really diminishes the aura of menace you are trying to project.
Finally: It’s a Texas high school football Christmas miracle! (Warning: you will tear up.)
Merry Christmas! Here is a picture of a dog dressed like Santa Claus. Most dogs would hate this and resent you, but this guy is a Golden, so his default state is more like “THIS IS GONNA BE LEGENDARY.”
December 22, 2008
Chris pointed out that there are not enough holiday movies, and I AGREE. Here are some ideas you should have plenty of time to hustle into theaters by December 2009. (I will not come see the first one. Sorry.)
“INDIE” CHRISTMAS: this guy who teaches English in Korea comes home for the holidays and discovers that his dad is having a torrid affair with the son’s girlfriend. They have some dull conversations about how marriage is for suckers and then they all get high on shrooms together and decide that the true meaning of Christmas is HOLY SHIT IS THAT A LLAMA? IN YOUR FUCKING LIVING ROOM?
ACTION CHRISTMAS: Mark Wahlberg has to find the year’s hottest Christmas toy and then get it to his kid 500 miles away before midnight mass is over or his car will explode.
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE CHRISTMAS: That blonde girl from Battlestar Galactica is trapped in the snowbound Seattle airport and must lead a motley crew of stranded passengers and airline attendants to safety in the VIP lounge before the zombies break out of coach to eat them.
Ah… the apocalypse. It’s so fantastic! This weekend I was at a Christmas party, and I was having an engrossing conversation about something or other when suddenly I heard a guy THREE PEOPLE TO MY RIGHT say “apocalyptic”, and my head snapped around and I think my brain probably made some kind of TARGET ACQUIRED sound.
(And then of course everyone looked at me like I was strange.)
So my friend Benj gave me a copy of the poster for this Burt Reynolds movie Paternity, and it is HILARIOUS. I want to… have it on my business cards. And I was looking for a picture of it so I could show it to you, but when you google “paternity” you find less about hilarious 70s Burt Reynolds movies and more about really angry men’s-rights activists. Before I clicked away in terror I found
Here is a screenshot of their main page: (you can click to make it bigger, if you so desire.)
IF THE GENES DON’T FIT YOU MUST ACQUIT.
And the amazing stock photography of those three people! I don’t think it’s what they’re going for, but what I’m imagining is that like the lady on the left is a seductive trickster who has a PhD in electrical engineering but still lurks in airport bars, just trying to pick up some spare sperm so she can live the easy life on those huge $500/month child support payments. The guy in the middle is the sperm owner’s best friend who’s all “Man, this is why I kept telling you to get a vasectomy!” BUT is also kind of wondering if there’s some way he can start a paternity fraud ring and rake in the dough, because he’s a businessman who knows an opportunity when he sees one.
And of course the guy on the right is the owner of the sperm and just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND how HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A WOMAN HE MET TWO MINUTES PRIOR TO THE ACT IN THE BAR OF THE DALLAS AIRPORT APPLEBEE’S LED TO THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION! And his wife and kids are being real jerks about the whole thing, honestly.
This is the actual poster I was looking for:
I’m guessing paternity fraud was not a huge concern in the 70s. Not when you had a tracksuit and a bunch of chest hair and some medallions to protect you.
December 20, 2008
Because I am still obsessed with action movies but have run out of any new ones, I tried to watch Three Kings, that David O. Russell movie that’s basically a gold heist set at the end of the first Iraq war. But…
Okay. Maybe this is really mean of me.
But… George Clooney plays this guy who’s supposedly former Special Forces. And. I like George Clooney. Who doesn’t like George Clooney?
But don’t you just get the impression that George Clooney could probably not hack it amongst a bunch of SF guys? And that in fact they would go “Nice hair” and make fun of him when he was trying to be charming? And nobody would ever want to be on his team! And they would have serious, hushed conversations with their team leader about how George Clooney just… a nice guy and all, but– and then they would fall silent and their team leader would nod seriously, and go talk to the captain, and suddenly George Clooney would find himself assigned to an embassy in Paris or something, and people would speak of him as “Fuckin’ Clooney, man, he used to carry Nivea on missions, what the fuck.” but they wouldn’t really be fond stories.
THAT IS ALL THAT I AM SAYING. I just have a hard time believing George Clooney as a Delta operator. Sorry, George Clooney.
However! Thinking about George Clooney made me think of The Peacemaker, a movie I think only I love with a feverish devotion. COME ON PEOPLE! It opens with an atomic bomb on a train! IN RUSSIA! And then some guy… there’s some plot about… the UN, something something, and then Nicole Kidman and George Clooney run around urgently and also there is a scene where George Clooney (who plays a… I don’t remember, some kind of Military Guy) actually says to the guys on his helicopter: “Lock and load, gentlemen. Let’s get ready to rock and roll.” which is so awful as to be amazing.
In response to my previous post, Chris-who-used-to-be-a-Combat-Engineer-in-the-Marines sent this video of the Miclic, a device he described as:
…basically a rope of C4 strung over a minefield by way of a rocket. It is about 1,700 pounds of explosives, so it is generally pretty sweet.
PRETTY SWEET INDEED.
Google tells me that the military invented this because it can clear a safe lane through a minefield, but: can you imagine THE APPLICATIONS for it in action scripts?!? Ahem.
One of my favorite things about the military is that no matter what kind of stuff you think up to write into your action script, THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE IT. Like recently I was thinking about how you’d extract a bunch of guys if you’d dropped them off to rescue hostages somewhere, but there was no time to land a helicopter, and YOU KNOW, THE MILITARY HAS ALREADY THOUGHT OF THIS EVENTUALITY AND INVENTED A RIDICULOUSLY-NAMED DEVICE AND PUBLISHED MANUALS FOR ITS USE ON THE INTERNET.
DID YOU SEE that he got himself a dog when he Made It?!? It’s not just me, people.
Speaking of John August, recently he was talking about how he went to France on a trip hosted by their film office, and he mentioned that he kept asking things like “So… this high-speed train, what do you think would happen if you bombed the line? Just, for instance.”
Which sounds ominous! But is just how action writers think. I am generally a very nice person but, er, AND I KNOW THIS SOUNDS AWFUL, I sometimes find myself staring around really crowded areas wondering how you could turn it into an action sequence. Like my friend C- and I accidentally found ourselves at the Grove (an LA outdoor mall that replicates a faux-European high street shopping experience. There is a STREET CAR.) on the day of the Christmas tree lighting. And it was PACKED. And I turned to her and said “If you were a terrorist–” and C-, who is also a writer, said “I was thinking the SAME THING.”
Via Naomi: How to write the perfect disaster movie.
WE JUST LOST CANADA. Yeeeeessss, excellent.
Last night I went to see THE MOST AMAZING THING. EVER.
So this theater company in LA takes the worst screenplays in the world, chops them down for time to be about an hour, but leaves them otherwise untouched, and then performs them on stage.
I went with Julie and Steve and Keith and Mat and I had always sort of suspected that Julie was exaggerating the hilarity of this event, but NO. NO!!!! I laughed so hard I felt kind of sick. It was fantastic. You should go.
No, the writer who sent this unsolicited work doesn’t know it’s being performed, yes that’s mean, yes that’s probably all kinds of illegal, yes I am a bad person for laughing so hard, yes I should feel some kind of kinship with the poor writer, BUT I DON’T. Listen man! If you live here and work here and you read a lot of scripts, this is a HEALING EVENT.
December 16, 2008
So this weekend I watched ACTION MOVIES. First: Transformers, which was better than I remembered it being. When I saw it on the big screen I frequently couldn’t tell what the hell was going on whenever there were Giant Robot Fight Sequences (“What– Whose mechanical limb is that?!? COULDN’T THEY HAVE COLOR-CODED THESE GUYS OR SOMETHING?”) but on the small screen I had more overview.
Then I watched Black Hawk Down, which is perhaps my favorite war movie. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I am very fond of the moment where the LTC McKnight character, trapped in the Humvee convoy TO NOWHERE AND BACK, is shown going “MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER!”, only the sounds of the battle cover it up. Also, I love all the total badassery and mostly-justified arrogance of the Delta guys. And the fast roping out of helicopters! GLORIOUS.
My one quibble is that there’s a moment where Eric Bana’s character is standing around in a Mogadishu marketplace, SURVEILLING, and then the object of his surveillance gets in a car and takes off, and he shifts his weapon and growls “Leaving” into his mic, and I personally am just sitting here wondering how it is that nobody appears to notice this lone white guy who is obviously not some kind of journalist or UN person or TOURIST, due to his giant rifle and the grungy SF rays emanating from his person, etc hanging out in their war-torn city. However! A very minor complaint. Overall, it is an extremely great movie and I wish it were longer.
Then I went to my local 20/20 video store for MOAR ACTION MOVIES PLS. And you know what? I… I have seen them all. People don’t make enough of them! Basically, the only ones I haven’t seen are from the more obscure corners of the Steve Segal catalog, and I don’t know if I’m quite that desperate.
I just don’t understand why people don’t make more action movies. I am your market, people! I will see them ALL. Isn’t it time for a qualitatively-better resurgence of those five years in the 80s where every third movie was about Navy SEALs breaking people out of North Korea?!?
Here are some things that should be in your action movie in order for me to love it and tell my friends they should see it:
*A part where someone goes “GIVE ME MORPHINE!” but they can’t give it to him because the blood-pressure-drop thing!
*A scene where a grizzled commander tells a young guy to get it together, son.
Bonus: a scene where someone calls in an artillery strike. If there were, like, ARTILLERY STRIKE TV, I would watch it. THE BEST.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Sometimes I think that perhaps my obsession with things like this means that I’m Not A Very Good Girl, but then on the other hand, most other areas of my personality are like I’m a girl from 1954, so I don’t know, maybe “Obsessed with artillery scenes” and “Knits your dog a sweater” balance each other out? A puzzler.
PS, Today is my last day at work for a while! I AM SO EXCITED YOU GUYS. I was showing the new assistant around and everyone kept saying things like “Gosh, are you so sad to leave?” and I kept saying “WHAT?!? Um, I woke up smiling this morning, so–” but then I quit because I realized that I was bumming everyone out. (I do like the people at work, but… you know, we have different goals in life. They want to [do movie things], I want to find an excuse to write a scene into my next project where someone calls in an artillery strike and someone else goes “ARE YOU MAD, COLONEL? THAT’S DANGER CLOSE!” and then the colonel glowers and points off to the ridge where the aliens are attacking and goes “So’s that, Major. So’s that.” ALL ROLES SHALL BE PLAYED BY ARNOLD CIRCA PREDATOR.
PS, via Maggie: Hierarchy of Beards.
December 13, 2008
You know how when you listen to NPR, they have those little blurbs from their sponsors, instead of commercials? I heard the most ridiculous one this week, it was a new double-bill at some theater (not a MOVIE theater, the other kind). I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP:
The evening was to open with a piece for four hands. Not… piano, not quatre-mains, but, like, HAND DANCING! Against a backdrop! Not a comedy!
And then the main event was a gripping one-man re-enactment of the Apollo moon landing. Also not a comedy!
YES. WHERE DO I BUY TICKETS.
Another thing that happened last week was that I had a meeting with a producer, and you will be happy to know that I was totally calm and NOT SWEATY OR PANICKY.
Because I have pretty easy-to-achieve standards for what’s exciting, one of my favorite things about meetings is that you get free water (or a Diet Coke, but if you get the Diet Coke you have Cold Damp Hand Due To Condensation On The Can to deal with when you go to shake the guy’s hand, and do you really need more caffeine? Probably not.) Basically, FREE WATER? SIGN ME UP.
Another thing I like about meetings is that when you get there the assistant is all “Elana? Right this way.” and polite and clearly thinks that you’re some variant of Real Writer instead of a fellow assistant who asked if she could maybe duck out of work for a couple of hours if she got someone to cover her phones. (Thank you, Lauren.)
After you have a meeting, you have to call your rep-type-people- you know, so they can find out how it was, if you did something awful or came off like a genuis, etc. So I obediently called Manager-Guy.
Hey! How was it?
Good, I think.
(paranoia kicks in)
WHY. WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
…nothing. So it went well?
I think so.
So you didn’t insult any of his movies?
…no. Also, that was that ONE TIME.
The other thing I must mention is my friend B–, who is EXTREMELY HILARIOUS, so hilarious that sometimes people at work give him the stink-eye for being funny when they think he should be stressed out, but he can’t help it, hilarity just leaks from him like… okay, I guess there’s really nothing nice that leaks from people.
ANYWAY. Early in the week he told me that we should run away and become hobos and ride the rails. I agreed that this was an outstanding plan, and said that if he would take care of the threadbare brown suits and raggedy handkerchiefs (for tying jauntily about the throat) I would bring the bags-on-a-stick. And then later he said that he thought that assistants, like hobos, should have a CODE, where you could mark the desk with secret signs that would mean things like “Good food in this office” or “This executive is crazy”, so the next person would KNOW.
December 10, 2008
There is a lull in my writing life over the holidays, so my goal is to write a draft of this sci-fi pilot thingamabob. I’m excited about it!
First, DARK AND VIOLENT.
Second, I expect absolutely nothing to happen with it, so the pressure is totally off.
Third, it’s for TV, so I get to write about a GIRL.
Fourth, I haven’t actually started to write it yet, so I’m still in that glorious “OH MAN! THIS IS GOING TO WRITE ITSELF!” phase.
(Of course, in a week or two I will report back with much wailing about how haaaaaaard it is and how much I haaaaaaate it, etc etc etc.)
Recently I turned in the final draft of my current project, and in the process of saving it and making sure it didn’t have any super weird spelling issues, I ran the wordcount thing. It was just under 24k words. Which is… almost unbelievable to me. (Not literally unbelievable, as I’ve written scripts before, and that does tend to be the ballpark.) But almost-unbelievable in the sense that it took so long and so much of my mental energy and required so much work, and there was so much whining and bitterness and conviction that I was just a TOTALLY LOUSY WRITER…
And then finally, there you are, 23 thousand words and change.
That’s IT? That’s not even a NOVELLA. That’s more like a really long short story! Good lord.
Here are two news stories that are making me raise an eyebrow:
TBS is rushing the “Frat House.”
The cable network has ordered a presentation for a tentatively titled half-hour late-night project from Bunim-Murray that is in the vein of the 2003 Will Ferrell comedy “Old School.”
The project follows three comedian-hosts — Bret Ernst (Showtime’s “Weeds”), Theo Von (ABC Family’s “America’s Prom Queen”) and Bert Kreischer (Comedy Central’s “Reality Bites Back”) — as they lead a band of guys, each at a crossroads, who long for the simpler, raucous days of life in a frat house.
Okay. That’s not “in the vein” of Old School. That IS Old School. ARE YOU NOT NOTICING THIS, TBS? That’s like going “We have this amazing new comedy planned for fall, it’s about these two guys who crash wedding receptions to pick up chicks, it’s in the vein of Wedding Crashers, you may have heard of it.”
Second, the Governor of Illinois. (That link only for my EUROPEAN READERS, hi mom. Everyone who lives in the States has either heard of this or fell asleep in a box or something.) That guy! He’s corrupt in the most comic-book possible way. Like, man, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING. You were going to auction off Obama’s vacated Senate seat?
I think his problem is that he was overreaching the commonly-accepted bounds of corruption. Accepting golf vacations from lobbyists: fine. You spearhead investigations into prostitution rings and then turn out to be kind of into prostitution rings: sigh. Actually discussing trying to get the president-elect to bribe you while knowing that you are already under investigation for corruption: THE LINE. YOU HAVE CROSSED IT.
The prosecutor guy in this case is clearly super-awesome. He’s married to like a Head Start teacher! I imagine them at home, her worrying about her students, him going “Honey! Listen to this scathing memo I’m composing! I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN, BLAGO.”
His blog is also sort of hilarious (…in a lawyerly way) – the tagline is Think Globally Prosecute Locally, which is funny and also makes me feel mildly scared of him, like maybe he’s going to call me up and go “HEY! REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU LOOKED IN YOUR PURSE AND DISCOVERED THAT YOU WERE CARRYING AROUND SEVEN PENS YOU HAD ACCIDENTALLY BROUGHT HOME FROM WORK?!? HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?”