There are not enough action movies!

December 16, 2008

So this weekend I watched ACTION MOVIES. First: Transformers, which was better than I remembered it being. When I saw it on the big screen I frequently couldn’t tell what the hell was going on whenever there were Giant Robot Fight Sequences (“What– Whose mechanical limb is that?!? COULDN’T THEY HAVE COLOR-CODED THESE GUYS OR SOMETHING?”) but on the small screen I had more overview.

Then I watched Black Hawk Down, which is perhaps my favorite war movie. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I am very fond of the moment where the LTC McKnight character, trapped in the Humvee convoy TO NOWHERE AND BACK, is shown going “MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER!”, only the sounds of the battle cover it up. Also, I love all the total badassery and mostly-justified arrogance of the Delta guys. And the fast roping out of helicopters! GLORIOUS.

My one quibble is that there’s a moment where Eric Bana’s character is standing around in a Mogadishu marketplace, SURVEILLING, and then the object of his surveillance gets in a car and takes off, and he shifts his weapon and growls “Leaving” into his mic, and I personally am just sitting here wondering how it is that nobody appears to notice this lone white guy who is obviously not some kind of journalist or UN person or TOURIST, due to his giant rifle and the grungy SF rays emanating from his person, etc hanging out in their war-torn city. However! A very minor complaint. Overall, it is an extremely great movie and I wish it were longer.

Then I went to my local 20/20 video store for MOAR ACTION MOVIES PLS. And you know what? I… I have seen them all. People don’t make enough of them! Basically, the only ones I haven’t seen are from the more obscure corners of the Steve Segal catalog, and I don’t know if I’m quite that desperate.

I just don’t understand why people don’t make more action movies. I am your market, people! I will see them ALL. Isn’t it time for a qualitatively-better resurgence of those five years in the 80s where every third movie was about Navy SEALs breaking people out of North Korea?!?

Here are some things that should be in your action movie in order for me to love it and tell my friends they should see it:

*Explosions
*Shaky camerawork
*Flash-bang grenades
*A part where someone goes “GIVE ME MORPHINE!” but they can’t give it to him because the blood-pressure-drop thing!
*A scene where a grizzled commander tells a young guy to get it together, son.

Bonus: a scene where someone calls in an artillery strike. If there were, like, ARTILLERY STRIKE TV, I would watch it. THE BEST.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Sometimes I think that perhaps my obsession with things like this means that I’m Not A Very Good Girl, but then on the other hand, most other areas of my personality are like I’m a girl from 1954, so I don’t know, maybe “Obsessed with artillery scenes” and “Knits your dog a sweater” balance each other out? A puzzler.

PS, Today is my last day at work for a while! I AM SO EXCITED YOU GUYS. I was showing the new assistant around and everyone kept saying things like “Gosh, are you so sad to leave?” and I kept saying “WHAT?!? Um, I woke up smiling this morning, so–” but then I quit because I realized that I was bumming everyone out. (I do like the people at work, but… you know, we have different goals in life. They want to [do movie things], I want to find an excuse to write a scene into my next project where someone calls in an artillery strike and someone else goes “ARE YOU MAD, COLONEL? THAT’S DANGER CLOSE!” and then the colonel glowers and points off to the ridge where the aliens are attacking and goes “So’s that, Major. So’s that.” ALL ROLES SHALL BE PLAYED BY ARNOLD CIRCA PREDATOR.

PS, via Maggie: Hierarchy of Beards.

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8 Responses to “There are not enough action movies!”

  1. jengod Says:

    I LOVE YOU. It’s stuff like this post that reminds me how FUCKING TOTALLY AWESOME YOU ARE. I love all of these two.

    Re: Artillery strikes. There’s nothing like the dropping of God’s own hammer on the enemy to make you feel smug in your own imperial awesomeness, and I don’t care who knows it.

    Can’t wait for the apocalypse so I can hang out with you more.

    OOOH! Have you seen Generation Kill? You would LOVE it. I have DVDs!!! You want I should send?

  2. jengod Says:

    *two = too

    I can spell. For realz. 🙂

  3. chaia Says:

    VIOLENCE! GLOOOOOOORIOUS VIOLENCE!!!!!!!

    Also, by the time you read this you will be GLORIOUSLY, VIOLENTLY UNEMPLOYED!!!!!!

  4. Seth Says:

    The thing that’s so amazing about artillery is that it’s scary as fuck even when you’re on the sending side. I set up a run route on the base in Iraq that went right past the big guns, and every now and then I’d be running past and without warning they’d fire one off — it was so loud it literally made me just want to fall down in the road and cover my head. (I didn’t, but I wanted to.)

    All of which is only by way of admitting that calling in an artillery strike is the best thing you can do when there are aliens on the ridge, but it will probably scare the poop out of you when it starts falling. Unless you’re a badass crusty old colonel.

  5. Chris Kittinger Says:

    When I was in the Marines I was a Combat Engineer. We did fun things like breaching minefields and generally blowing stuff up (we also made bridges and built things, but that just isn’t as fun as making smoke and dust out of bridges and things that someone else had built).

    One of my favorite toys was the Miclic, which is a basically a rope of C4 strung over a minefield by way of a rocket. It is about 1,700 pounds of explosives, so it is generally pretty sweet. Here is a link that I found on YouTube that show’s it fairly well. There are other good ones on YouTube as well.

  6. Nathan Says:

    Scroll to the bottom of this post for your very own glance at Steven Seagal in action (without too much of that boring dialog crap).

    It has the added benefit of including a headstone with my name on it getting machine gunned and a hearse blowing up at a funeral. What more could you want?


  7. […] on Girl action concurs. A lot. (Check both posts out; they’re pretty […]

  8. Likes war movies too Says:

    If you like realistic war movies (and you haven’t already seen it), watch Generation Kill, it’s a HBO 6 part TV series about a group of recon marines during the invasion of Iraq. Beware though that it might put you off of liking Artillery for a while.


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