There are not enough action movies!
December 16, 2008
So this weekend I watched ACTION MOVIES. First: Transformers, which was better than I remembered it being. When I saw it on the big screen I frequently couldn’t tell what the hell was going on whenever there were Giant Robot Fight Sequences (“What– Whose mechanical limb is that?!? COULDN’T THEY HAVE COLOR-CODED THESE GUYS OR SOMETHING?”) but on the small screen I had more overview.
Then I watched Black Hawk Down, which is perhaps my favorite war movie. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I am very fond of the moment where the LTC McKnight character, trapped in the Humvee convoy TO NOWHERE AND BACK, is shown going “MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER!”, only the sounds of the battle cover it up. Also, I love all the total badassery and mostly-justified arrogance of the Delta guys. And the fast roping out of helicopters! GLORIOUS.
My one quibble is that there’s a moment where Eric Bana’s character is standing around in a Mogadishu marketplace, SURVEILLING, and then the object of his surveillance gets in a car and takes off, and he shifts his weapon and growls “Leaving” into his mic, and I personally am just sitting here wondering how it is that nobody appears to notice this lone white guy who is obviously not some kind of journalist or UN person or TOURIST, due to his giant rifle and the grungy SF rays emanating from his person, etc hanging out in their war-torn city. However! A very minor complaint. Overall, it is an extremely great movie and I wish it were longer.
Then I went to my local 20/20 video store for MOAR ACTION MOVIES PLS. And you know what? I… I have seen them all. People don’t make enough of them! Basically, the only ones I haven’t seen are from the more obscure corners of the Steve Segal catalog, and I don’t know if I’m quite that desperate.
I just don’t understand why people don’t make more action movies. I am your market, people! I will see them ALL. Isn’t it time for a qualitatively-better resurgence of those five years in the 80s where every third movie was about Navy SEALs breaking people out of North Korea?!?
Here are some things that should be in your action movie in order for me to love it and tell my friends they should see it:
*A part where someone goes “GIVE ME MORPHINE!” but they can’t give it to him because the blood-pressure-drop thing!
*A scene where a grizzled commander tells a young guy to get it together, son.
Bonus: a scene where someone calls in an artillery strike. If there were, like, ARTILLERY STRIKE TV, I would watch it. THE BEST.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Sometimes I think that perhaps my obsession with things like this means that I’m Not A Very Good Girl, but then on the other hand, most other areas of my personality are like I’m a girl from 1954, so I don’t know, maybe “Obsessed with artillery scenes” and “Knits your dog a sweater” balance each other out? A puzzler.
PS, Today is my last day at work for a while! I AM SO EXCITED YOU GUYS. I was showing the new assistant around and everyone kept saying things like “Gosh, are you so sad to leave?” and I kept saying “WHAT?!? Um, I woke up smiling this morning, so–” but then I quit because I realized that I was bumming everyone out. (I do like the people at work, but… you know, we have different goals in life. They want to [do movie things], I want to find an excuse to write a scene into my next project where someone calls in an artillery strike and someone else goes “ARE YOU MAD, COLONEL? THAT’S DANGER CLOSE!” and then the colonel glowers and points off to the ridge where the aliens are attacking and goes “So’s that, Major. So’s that.” ALL ROLES SHALL BE PLAYED BY ARNOLD CIRCA PREDATOR.
PS, via Maggie: Hierarchy of Beards.