He wants YOU to have his baby

December 22, 2008

Chris pointed out that there are not enough holiday movies, and I AGREE. Here are some ideas you should have plenty of time to hustle into theaters by December 2009. (I will not come see the first one. Sorry.)

“INDIE” CHRISTMAS: this guy who teaches English in Korea comes home for the holidays and discovers that his dad is having a torrid affair with the son’s girlfriend. They have some dull conversations about how marriage is for suckers and then they all get high on shrooms together and decide that the true meaning of Christmas is HOLY SHIT IS THAT A LLAMA? IN YOUR FUCKING LIVING ROOM?

ACTION CHRISTMAS: Mark Wahlberg has to find the year’s hottest Christmas toy and then get it to his kid 500 miles away before midnight mass is over or his car will explode.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE CHRISTMAS: That blonde girl from Battlestar Galactica is trapped in the snowbound Seattle airport and must lead a motley crew of stranded passengers and airline attendants to safety in the VIP lounge before the zombies break out of coach to eat them.

Ah… the apocalypse. It’s so fantastic! This weekend I was at a Christmas party, and I was having an engrossing conversation about something or other when suddenly I heard a guy THREE PEOPLE TO MY RIGHT say “apocalyptic”, and my head snapped around and I think my brain probably made some kind of TARGET ACQUIRED sound.

(And then of course everyone looked at me like I was strange.)


So my friend Benj gave me a copy of the poster for this Burt Reynolds movie Paternity, and it is HILARIOUS. I want to… have it on my business cards. And I was looking for a picture of it so I could show it to you, but when you google “paternity” you find less about hilarious 70s Burt Reynolds movies and more about really angry men’s-rights activists. Before I clicked away in terror I found




Here is a screenshot of their main page: (you can click to make it bigger, if you so desire.)



Oh man.

And the amazing stock photography of those three people! I don’t think it’s what they’re going for, but what I’m imagining is that like the lady on the left is a seductive trickster who has a PhD in electrical engineering but still lurks in airport bars, just trying to pick up some spare sperm so she can live the easy life on those huge $500/month child support payments. The guy in the middle is the sperm owner’s best friend who’s all “Man, this is why I kept telling you to get a vasectomy!” BUT is also kind of wondering if there’s some way he can start a paternity fraud ring and rake in the dough, because he’s a businessman who knows an opportunity when he sees one.

And of course the guy on the right is the owner of the sperm and just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND how HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A WOMAN HE MET TWO MINUTES PRIOR TO THE ACT IN THE BAR OF THE DALLAS AIRPORT APPLEBEE’S LED TO THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION! And his wife and kids are being real jerks about the whole thing, honestly.

This is the actual poster I was looking for:


I’m guessing paternity fraud was not a huge concern in the 70s. Not when you had a tracksuit and a bunch of chest hair and some medallions to protect you.


4 Responses to “He wants YOU to have his baby”

  1. Maggie Says:

    Starbuck or Number Six?

    Never mind, I’d watch it either way because ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE CHRISTMAS is my new favorite movie!

  2. Seth Says:

    I like the little safety pin holding the ribbon together at the bottom of the poster.

  3. Chris Kittinger Says:

    I saw Paternity in the Theater when I was a kid. I don’t really remember much about it other than I was at the theater and it was Burt Reynolds.


  4. Elana Says:

    Maggie: EITHER. I was thinking Starbuck, but if the producers want to go another way…

    Seth: That safety pin is the finishing touch that takes the poster from “pretty great” to “OH MY LORD”.

    Chris: I really wish you remembered more. I somehow imagine that this movie, when filtered through a kid’s brain, would become even more fantastic.

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