When google fails

December 30, 2008

Okay, so you know how my blog is called GIRL ON GIRL ACTION? The reason I called it that is… there’s not a super good story. You have to call your blog SOMETHING, and Naomi and I once wrote a comedy about the underground female wrestling circuit* called GIRL ON GIRL ACTION, because it made us laugh every time we said it.

It has only been since having this blog that I have realized that quite often people who are using the internet to look for pornography use GIRL ON GIRL ACTION as a search string when googling for the kind of pornography where ladies pretend to be lesbians in order to appeal to, I assume**, the subset of the straight-male demo that is freaked out by the inclusion of NAKED DUDES in their porn. Yes, I am naive! In my defense I can only offer that I don’t really spend very much time thinking about pornography and tend not to know these things. I AM SORRY I AM SO UNCOOL.

The reason I know that people search for this phrase is that WordPress shows you how people ended up on your blog. Most of the LITERALLY DOZENS of people who visit my blog daily are, you know, related to me, or my college chums, etc., but there are always a number of people who ended up here BY MISTAKE.

Here are all the searches from the past two days, a fairly representative sampling:

girl on girl: Sure.

elana girl action: I think this is someone who can’t remember where my blog is. I hope.

mule on girl action: OH MY GOD.

girl on girls action free: “I WANT MY FAKE-LESBIAN PORN, AND I WANT IT NOW, AND IT BETTER BE FREE.”

funny pictures police: I parsed this not as “Funny pictures of cops” but as “Who do you think you are, SOME GUY WHO’S IN CHARGE OF POLICING WHAT’S FUNNY OR NOT IN TERMS OF PHOTOGRAPHS? Jeez.”

edward norton’s thanksgiving 2008: …I don’t know either. But like you, I am RIGHT NOW imagining Edward Norton’s 2008 Thanksgiving. “Hello, everyone, and welcome to my sustainably-built cob home. If you’ll join me in the solarium, I would like to read you some poetry I composed for the occasion. Please do not touch the solar oven to your left. It has reached nearly 175 degrees Fahrenheit already.”

“camo netting””craigslist”: I feel like I would either really like or be terrified of this person.

girl on girls action: For this person, two fake lesbians is just not going to suffice.

how to get laid on jdate: I believe that you need to SHOW OFF YOUR SALSA MOVES.

objectivists in the military: You know what always makes me sad? (And I say this as someone who is obsessed with The Big Sort and really tries not to write people off for things like this.) When you’re talking to someone you like and they say “I am a huge Ayn Rand fan.” THERE. I SAID IT.

young ladies in action: This is probably someone looking for pornography, but I prefer to imagine that they’re looking for examples of YOUNG LADIES. DOING THE THINGS YOUNG LADIES DO. Such as, thanking people for holding the door open! Making eye contact with the cashier! Standing up for others on public transit! Etc. But, you know… probably looking for porn.

People must be SO disappointed when they end up here! I kind of feel bad for them. I mean, when you’re in the mood for some fake-lesbian porn it must be really, really disappointing to read a blog about dogs, the apocalypse, snacks, etc.

I AM SORRY, PORN-SEEKERS OF THE INTERNET.

*Which kind of ALSO sounds shady, really. Dang.

**This is my working theory, at least.

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7 Responses to “When google fails”

  1. anonymousassistant Says:

    I don’t understand how “I don’t want to look at people I’m not attracted to while jerking off” becomes homophobic.

    Like most men, I like naked women, I like watching sex, and I don’t like naked men. Girl on girl action satisfies all three criteria. What’s the confusion?

  2. Janiece Says:

    Don’t feel bad, Elana. I get dozens of similar hits, and I didn’t think of it when I chose my blog name, either.

    Naive? Who, me?

  3. Naomi Says:

    I know it’s dorky but Girl On Girl Action still makes me snicker. Every time. SIGH.

  4. Seth Says:

    My blog name is pretty innocuous, but because I write about cinema, linguistics, Iraq, and sexual morality, I occasionally get hits for things like “arab hijab sex movies.” And sometimes I don’t know what people are really looking for:

    “sad camel photography”

    “gay camel appreciation”

    I really, really hope there’s a gay camel pride day somewhere.

  5. Chris Kittinger Says:

    Seth, every day is gay camel pride day.

  6. Nathan Says:

    Ages ago, somebody used the word ‘gadsex’ in a comment on my blog. I get searches almost every day from assorted Arabic countries looking to get a dose of gadsex.

    I sure hope that actually means something there.

  7. Annie Says:

    I have recently gotten a bunch of hits from people searching for “I Will Die Childless.”

    Just because I probably will doesn’t mean they have to.


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