LOST HYBRID RAVEN
February 6, 2009
1) Recently the Young Man and I were taking one of our late-night fog walks along the Venice canals, and we spotted a lost-pet poster on a lamppost.
Yes, this person has lost their hybrid raven. Yes, he is “fully flight-capable but ill-equipt (sic) to survive in the wild”. Yes, if you see a large group of crows mobbing an enormous black bird, you should call the number below.
A debate ensued! Could this be for real?
POINT: This is too ridiculous to be made-up.
COUNTERPOINT: The number to call includes “666”.
POINT: This is LA. People do have weird pets.
COUNTERPOINT: Sure, like ferrets. A hybrid raven might not even be a real thing.
POINT: This is Venice. If people are going to have hybrid ravens, they will have them here.
2) People who live on the Venice canals do not put up curtains. I kept feeling troubled by this: I mean, you’re basically strolling through their back yard, watching them watch NCIS on a giant flatscreen while not wearing any pants (…). I PERSONALLY WOULD PUT UP CURTAINS.
But then I went home and looked up house prices on the Venice canals, and they’re all 3 million+. So I guess if I had paid three million damn dollars for a really small house on a scenic but somewhat malodorous canal (it’s the ducks) I too would probably be all “HEY. CHECK OUT MY HOUSE. IT WAS SUPER EXPENSIVE.”
3) I recently saw Taken, which is a movie about Liam Neeson being some kind of ex-spook who rescues his teenage daughter from nefarious kidnappers. It was full of excellent violence, and there was an out-of-nowhere shooting in the middle that made me REALLY HAPPY (even though later I felt sort of embarrassed that I had been so bloodthirsty as to clap my hands gleefully in a full opening-weekend theater, probably leading those around me to think that I was some kind of psycho.)
HOWEVER. There is one thing I felt remained unaddressed: the teenage daughter will NEVER be able to have a decent relationship with a boy. Ever.
NICE BOY IN COLLEGE: “I noticed you’ve been kind of down, so I got these awesome tickets to a EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY show!”
LIAM NEESON’S DAUGHTER: “That’s nice. Did I ever tell you about the time when my dad dropped everything and laid down God’s own judgment all across Paris because I was in trouble?”
NICE BOY IN ENTRY-LEVEL JOB: “Do you want to maybe get out of town for our six-month anniversary? I can get us a cabin… I know a guy…”
LIAM NEESON’S DAUGHTER: “Sure, that sounds fine. By the way, my dad has a comprehensive network of black-ops types that stretches around the globe.”
NICE BOY OF ABOUT 28: “Hey, honey? Was that creepy guy at the gas station bothering you? I couldn’t tell if you wanted me to do anything about it or not.”
LIAM NEESON’S DAUGHTER: “Don’t worry about it.”
NICE BOY OF ABOUT 28: “…That’s what you always say when we’re about to have a fight.”
LIAM NEESON’S DAUGHTER: “I’m not going to tell you what to do, Brian.”
NICE BOY OF ABOUT 28: “…Oh God.”
LIAM NEESON’S DAUGHTER: “Not for nothing, but when creepy guys bothered me, my dad KILLED THEM ALL.”
NICE BOY OF ABOUT 28: “…”