February 14, 2009
So last night I was reading about how Blackwater is changing its name to “Xe” (pronounced, OBVIOUSLY, as the letter Z) due to its tarnished image.
This naturally made me think about how great it would be to have my very own mercenary company! If Blackwater, which seems to be staffed exclusively by people who think that goatees are the bleeding edge of facial hair fashion, gets government work, there’s just NO REASON that someone like me, with my military nerdery and access to the internet, can’t get some lucrative no-bid contracts.
You’re probably wondering: what will make my company different than the Blackwaters and Triple Canopies of the world? A GOOD QUESTION.
First, it will be an all-lady mercenary outfit. Second, it will be called PINKSTORM.
My mercenaries will drive giant black SUVs with an adorable little pink thundercloud logo on the doors. Our motto will be something like TO CONFUSE AND DESTROY… POLITELY. The tail vehicle in our convoys will have a sign on the back that reads “THIS IS A HIGH-SPEED CONVOY DRIVEN BY TRAINED LADY MERCENARIES. PLEASE STAY BACK AT LEAST 100 FEET AND DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE MOVES AT HOME. THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR NEW DEMOCRACY.”