March 28, 2009
Two reasons today was momentous:
1) I was at a dinner and this drunk guy turned to an also-present Iraq war vet and said “I don’t know about Iraq, man. But… there’ve been some people who aren’t… around anymore, on account of how I lost my temper.”
2) The Robotard 8000. It’s a website for a screenplay, BALLS OUT. It’s amazing. I’m not going to be able to explain to you why it’s awesome. Unless you understand JUST HOW GREAT THIS IS:
FADE THE FUCK IN:
A brief, painful MONTAGE establishing THE COD:
CAPE motherfucking COD.
PHEW. I love funny people.
March 27, 2009
Guess what I watched last night!
Oh… I guess the subject line gave it away. Yes, you’re right. The glorious 1989 Patrick Swayze actioner ROAD HOUSE.
Let me tell you why ROAD HOUSE is completely amazing:
1. It’s about a professional bouncer who gets hired to calm down an out-of-control bar.
2. The bouncer is played by Patrick Swayze. He, like everyone else, has astonishing hair:
3. Patrick Swayze says things like “Pain don’t hurt.”
4. It features that amazing 80s martial arts style that’s basically lumbering white men who took a karate class at the mall and then watched some Chuck Norris footage.
5. Patrick Swayze is carrying around a lot of guilt because he killed a man with his SPECIAL MOVE.
6. His special move involves ripping out someone’s windpipe with one bare hand. YES. THAT’S RIGHT.
7. Sam Elliott plays his bouncing mentor. Is there anyone cooler than Sam Elliott? I don’t think so. You may disagree, but you are WRONG.
8. Patrick Swayze does tai chi without a shirt on. That’s how you know he’s deadly.
9. Wait, I’m not done talking about Sam Elliott. Per IMDB, Sam Elliott’s full name is Samuel Pack Elliott.
10. Also per IMDB, Sam Elliott’s trademark is “His deep commanding voice”.
11. Also per IMDB (I’m sorry, last one): In his book, “Shirtless! The Hollywood Male Physique”, Donald Reuter refers to Elliott as a “super bod” and gives him a full-page color photograph from his 1976 movie, Lifeguard.
12. The climax takes place in a trophy room. Patrick Swayze pops up from behind like a water buffalo to kill the bad guy. SURPRISE!
13. Once Patrick Swayze has to go to the ER and the doctor is all “I see in your file that you have a degree from NYU”, which is great because that’s exactly what medical admissions forms ask all the time.
14. After he goes to the ER he wears this white wrap shirt that I was SURE was a kind of gown provided by the hospital, but then later he wears it again, and I realized to my startled delight that NO, that was a shirt that Patrick Swayze felt was TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME.
15. The movie’s original tagline was: “The dancing’s over. Now it gets dirty”. Hee hee hee hee.
Look at this poster! So great.
“Okay people. Here’s our pitch. We’ve got PATRICK SWAYZE. We’ve got SHIRTLESS TAI CHI. We’ve got SEX. We’ve got EXPLODING CARS. Either you want to see this movie or you don’t.”
In sum, ROAD HOUSE is a totally awesome movie, and if you have yet to see it, I envy you the experience you are about to have. I almost feel sad that I can’t travel back in time to see it again for the first time. OVER AND OVER.
March 19, 2009
So last night I was walking over to the store to buy some milk, and it was just lovely out. Not too warm, not too cold, all kinds of crazy flowers scenting the air. I thought something like “Wow! I’m so lucky to live here in LA and not in someplace like Michigan.”
And JUST as I was starting to bask in the smugness of that thought, I walked into a man-sized spiky succulent
WITH MY EYES OPEN.
I mean, a giant pointy leaf WAS IN MY RIGHT EYE. And I kind of couldn’t believe it – what kind of person doesn’t notice a giant leafy plant until she walks into it WITH HER EYEBALL??? – so I just froze and then I realized that I couldn’t see, so I panicked about that for a second, imagining how I would have to tell people I lost vision in one eye, “Um, I walked into a plant.” but then I realized that I couldn’t see because the giant leaf had popped out my contact. Which was now clinging to my eyelashes.
So I put my contact back in.
And the first thing I did, before I did something sensible like back away from the plant or thank my lucky stars I could still see and didn’t lose my contact, etc etc, the first thing I did was LOOK AROUND IN A SHIFTY WAY.
TO SEE IF ANYONE HAD NOTICED ME EMBARRASSING MYSELF. And then I was embarrassed about that, so it was like I had three or four levels of embarrassment going on at once, regular embarrassment, embarrassment about my embarrassment… etc.
Once my friend Chaia and I were inventing imaginary niche magazines, like AMERICAN BEEF DISTRIBUTOR, and one we invented was BOTANICAL INCIDENT REPORT, and our lead story for that was “ATTACKED BY A FERN”.
And I used to think that was so hilarious, because, obviously, what kind of moron would get attacked by a fern? HA HA HA.
OBVIOUSLY, the kind of person who would WALK INTO A PLANT WITH HER EYE.
March 17, 2009
I was going to complain about the bailout, but then I realized that I was starting to sound like the kind of grouchy person who corners you at cocktail parties to complain about antibiotic-resistant staph infections or whatever. SO, instead, MOVIES:
I finally saw CHOCOLATE, a Thai movie about an autistic girl who goes on a murderous martial-arts rampage to get back money owed to her sick mother.
The martial arts were super fantastic. The living room echoed with sounds of fighting and then me and my friends going “OH MAN THAT MUST HURT SO BAD”.
The plot kind of needed some work, like there was this part where the bad guy appeared to shoot himself in the foot, seemingly JUST TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT HOW ANNOYED HE WAS.
?!?!? I don’t know.
BUT, if you would like to see a movie where a tiny Thai girl beats people up in ice warehouses… butcher shops… Japanese restaurants… while dangling off of cheap hotels… THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.
I also saw DEAD OR ALIVE. Based on the videogame. The Young Man was all “This is actually kind of a fun movie!” and I said “Really?” in a slightly skeptical tone, and he looked thoughtful and said “Okay, yes, BUT, you have to take into account that I saw it with a bunch of men while fighting global terrorism, and it stars hot chicks beating up other hot chicks. So… our standards for outstanding entertainment were specific and low.”
“Hmmm,” I said.
BUT, it was actually quite fun. Eric Roberts was the supreme evil, and he had amazing hair.
Finally, I would like to invite you all to vote in the most important election of the year:
Basically, these folks collect names, glorious glorious names of real people. And then once a year they put them all on a ballot. Like… you know how sports teams play in brackets and then only one will advance from that bracket? It’s like that. (If I knew about sports I would know what this is called. I’M SORRY.)
Later you will need to choose between such wonderful names as NEMESIS VEGA and CRYSTAL METHENY (so tough. I don’t know. NEMESIS VEGA might have to be my winner.), but for right now, it’s between:
TACO VANDERVELDE or JONNY KOOL
And LARRY KOLDSWEAT and LARRY WARMFLASH
I am seriously torn. If only the Larry’s weren’t in the same bracket. ONLY ONE CAN ADVANCE.
As a person with a somewhat odd name myself, I find this pretty splendid. I think it’s kind of awesome when people have interesting names. Like once I met this guy whose name was JOHNNY DURANGO, and– you know, don’t you just have an entire mental picture RIGHT AWAY? (Your mental picture is probably wrong. He was not actually a cattle rustler turned town marshall.)
Anyway, names! Excellent.
March 10, 2009
Arlo Weiner, eight-year-old son of MAD MEN creator Matthew Weiner, is PROFOUNDLY AWESOME.
He owns a top hat. He wears it to school.
KIDS ARE AWESOME. Maybe if I have kids I will sneak into their bedrooms while they sleep and whisper “You have a powerful desire to dress like a disco dancer from the 70s.” just to entertain myself with the glorious results.
March 10, 2009
I saw WATCHMEN on Saturday.
My lazy person’s review:
I give it an A+. If you ignore the fact that Malin Akerman is not a very good actor. Unfortunately, it’s hard to ignore. So with her I think it’s about an A-.
As far as I’m concerned, Zack Snyder is a bonafide genius. The shot where the Comedian smashes through the window! All the other glorious slightly-overblown moments like whenever someone whips around dramatically in an exploding hallway! Dr. Manhattan’s monologue about how he turned into a giant blue dude! Which made me cry, shut up. The astonishingly great Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach*!
I am not a comics nerd, so I did not get self-righteously upset about the lack of giant space squids. Really, my only issues are:
1) Malin Akerman.
Listen, we all know that actors are just way more attractive than civilians. That’s a given. So surely the fact that Ms. Akerman looks excellent in latex isn’t really enough of a reason to cast her? I mean… there are SO MANY actresses who look excellent in latex and who would not produce a subtle rumble of laughter throughout the theater during important mother-daughter scenes. CAST ONE OF THOSE LADIES INSTEAD.
2) Dr. Manhattan’s giant blue penis.
So when you first meet Dr. Manhattan, the camera keeps cutting away JUST BEFORE you see his business. PHEW, I thought, because I am an American, and Americans are basically prudes who are okay bombing your country to shreds but get uncomfortable about visible female nipples. But after you’d been lulled into a false sense of security w/r/t blue penises onscreen, WHAMMO, there it was, ONLY THE CAMERA DIDN’T CUT AWAY. AND THERE IT WAS AGAIN! AND IT SWAYED IN THE BREEZE! PHOTOREALISTICALLY.
Why does Dr. Manhattan even need a penis? Does he pee? (I know, you want to point out the other main reason people have penises, but I saw the movie! Dr. Manhattan shuns the pleasures of the flesh.)
Here are some websites I have enjoyed recently:
Medieval Gastronomy: everything you ever wanted to know about how and what people ate in the Middle Ages! (A nobleman’s table might have a narrow communal napkin running around the outside so that people could wipe their hands and mouths! And that’s just FOR INSTANCE.)
Pictures of an urban explorer’s visit to the Paris catacombs! Both cool and totally creepy. It’s a good thing I am too chicken to watch or think about horror movies or I would be plotting one in my head RIGHT NOW.
Finally, I was reading craft blogs when I came across a link to a blog written by a whole bunch of ladies who are going to be married soon. I SHALL NOT LINK TO IT, for I fear the wrath of brides. BUT, what I wanted to say is, so these girls are all “ZOMG! My fiance and I are, like, huuuuge music snobs, and so naturally we’re having a realllly hard time deciding on the music I’m going to walk down the aisle to… Ben Folds, or Andrew Bird?!?”
Man, you know that no way is that girl’s fiance at home worrying about what music she’s going to walk down the aisle to. HE DOES NOT CARE. He also does not care about the exact tone of card stock they’re using for their oh-so-unique Save The Date cards, finding the perfect florist who will understand the horrible experience you had with the previous florist (she thought carnations were sophisticated!), or that your alleged BFF is being a total bitch by not dropping everything to come to the dress shop when the fitting isn’t going well.
Some of the girls even say things like “[Cutesy nickname] doesn’t really care about wedding plans, but FINALLY he offered to take care of hiring the DJ… ugh, so he comes back with some guy named MAD DOG MCCOY who only plays BeeGees covers…” but seem to mysteriously fail to notice that a), that is awesome and b), the reason the guy doesn’t care about wedding plans is
he doesn’t care about wedding plans.
I don’t understand why a large cohort of men haven’t gotten together and gone on a wedding strike.
“Listen, I’ll totally marry you. At CITY HALL. Or in your parents’ back yard. But I’m not having 250 people I don’t know stand around and watch us do awkward white-person dancing so you can feel like a princess and we can score a few free blenders. NO.”
(No offense to anyone reading this who is a fan of big weddings. Or wedding plans.)
*For real, you need to send this man flowers. He is amazing.