Watchmen/Weddings

March 10, 2009

Hello, internet:

I saw WATCHMEN on Saturday.

My lazy person’s review:

I give it an A+. If you ignore the fact that Malin Akerman is not a very good actor. Unfortunately, it’s hard to ignore. So with her I think it’s about an A-.

As far as I’m concerned, Zack Snyder is a bonafide genius. The shot where the Comedian smashes through the window! All the other glorious slightly-overblown moments like whenever someone whips around dramatically in an exploding hallway! Dr. Manhattan’s monologue about how he turned into a giant blue dude! Which made me cry, shut up. The astonishingly great Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach*!

I am not a comics nerd, so I did not get self-righteously upset about the lack of giant space squids. Really, my only issues are:

1) Malin Akerman.

Listen, we all know that actors are just way more attractive than civilians. That’s a given. So surely the fact that Ms. Akerman looks excellent in latex isn’t really enough of a reason to cast her? I mean… there are SO MANY actresses who look excellent in latex and who would not produce a subtle rumble of laughter throughout the theater during important mother-daughter scenes. CAST ONE OF THOSE LADIES INSTEAD.

2) Dr. Manhattan’s giant blue penis.

So when you first meet Dr. Manhattan, the camera keeps cutting away JUST BEFORE you see his business. PHEW, I thought, because I am an American, and Americans are basically prudes who are okay bombing your country to shreds but get uncomfortable about visible female nipples. But after you’d been lulled into a false sense of security w/r/t blue penises onscreen, WHAMMO, there it was, ONLY THE CAMERA DIDN’T CUT AWAY. AND THERE IT WAS AGAIN! AND IT SWAYED IN THE BREEZE! PHOTOREALISTICALLY.

Why does Dr. Manhattan even need a penis? Does he pee? (I know, you want to point out the other main reason people have penises, but I saw the movie! Dr. Manhattan shuns the pleasures of the flesh.)

Here are some websites I have enjoyed recently:

Medieval Gastronomy: everything you ever wanted to know about how and what people ate in the Middle Ages! (A nobleman’s table might have a narrow communal napkin running around the outside so that people could wipe their hands and mouths! And that’s just FOR INSTANCE.)

Pictures of an urban explorer’s visit to the Paris catacombs! Both cool and totally creepy. It’s a good thing I am too chicken to watch or think about horror movies or I would be plotting one in my head RIGHT NOW.

Finally, I was reading craft blogs when I came across a link to a blog written by a whole bunch of ladies who are going to be married soon. I SHALL NOT LINK TO IT, for I fear the wrath of brides. BUT, what I wanted to say is, so these girls are all “ZOMG! My fiance and I are, like, huuuuge music snobs, and so naturally we’re having a realllly hard time deciding on the music I’m going to walk down the aisle to… Ben Folds, or Andrew Bird?!?”

Man, you know that no way is that girl’s fiance at home worrying about what music she’s going to walk down the aisle to. HE DOES NOT CARE. He also does not care about the exact tone of card stock they’re using for their oh-so-unique Save The Date cards, finding the perfect florist who will understand the horrible experience you had with the previous florist (she thought carnations were sophisticated!), or that your alleged BFF is being a total bitch by not dropping everything to come to the dress shop when the fitting isn’t going well.

Some of the girls even say things like “[Cutesy nickname] doesn’t really care about wedding plans, but FINALLY he offered to take care of hiring the DJ… ugh, so he comes back with some guy named MAD DOG MCCOY who only plays BeeGees covers…” but seem to mysteriously fail to notice that a), that is awesome and b), the reason the guy doesn’t care about wedding plans is

because

he doesn’t care about wedding plans.

I don’t understand why a large cohort of men haven’t gotten together and gone on a wedding strike.

“Listen, I’ll totally marry you. At CITY HALL. Or in your parents’ back yard. But I’m not having 250 people I don’t know stand around and watch us do awkward white-person dancing so you can feel like a princess and we can score a few free blenders. NO.”

(No offense to anyone reading this who is a fan of big weddings. Or wedding plans.)

*For real, you need to send this man flowers. He is amazing.

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10 Responses to “Watchmen/Weddings”

  1. Chris Kittinger Says:

    I agree with you on the Watchmen. Malin Akerman was good in the action scenes, but otherwise I just felt that there are so many women out there who could have nailed that role. I know that acting is not as easy as some seem to think, which is why it pains me to say she just was not very good in this role. I hope that it does not hurt her career, and that she grows as an actress. But this role and this actress did not mesh.

    However Dr. Bluemember did not bother me too much. I guess I knew it was going to be there, so I did not pay it much attention to it.

    And I am one of the geeks who loves the source material. But I actually thought the new ending made sense and worked. I would have loved it with the alien ending, but felt that Snyder set up the ending right and I was impressed with how he played it out.

    So due to Malin Akerman I too give it an A-.

    • Elana Says:

      Yes, Ms. Akerman was fine when she was roundhouse kicking bad guys IN THE FACE. Those were definitely her brighter/more violent moments.

  2. Chris Kittinger Says:

    Opps, typo in my part about Dr. Manhattan. Should have read – I guess I knew it was going to be there, so I did not pay much attention to it.

    I put to many its in my sentence. Which I guess is similar to one of your complaints with the film.

    • Elana Says:

      I put to many its in my sentence. Which I guess is similar to one of your complaints with the film.

      Bwahahaha. YES.

  3. Seth Says:

    You know, as a man, I’m insulted. Many boys spend hours — hours — of their childhood play time obsessing over the perfect wedding, and long into adulthood we may consult grooms’ magazines, either with friends or at the barber shop or just while we’re on the can. I can tell you that each and every one of my friends knows not only what church or hotel he’s going to be married in and what music will be playing as he stands at the altar waiting for the bride (men call this the groom’s “Star Time”), but also what kind of china will be on the tables in the banquet hall and what the appetizers will be….

    Oh, wait a minute. No, that’s completely wrong. Actually, none of that is true. Sorry.


  4. My wife was the one who just wanted to go to city hall. I had to convince her to invite fifteen people to a church on a Friday. Yeesh.

  5. chaia Says:

    “ZOMG! My fiance and I are, like, huuuuge music snobs, and so naturally we’re having a realllly hard time deciding on the music I’m going to walk down the aisle to… Ben Folds, or Andrew Bird?!?”

    http://www.whitewhine.com


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