March 19, 2009

So last night I was walking over to the store to buy some milk, and it was just lovely out. Not too warm, not too cold, all kinds of crazy flowers scenting the air. I thought something like “Wow! I’m so lucky to live here in LA and not in someplace like Michigan.”

And JUST as I was starting to bask in the smugness of that thought, I walked into a man-sized spiky succulent


I mean, a giant pointy leaf WAS IN MY RIGHT EYE. And I kind of couldn’t believe it – what kind of person doesn’t notice a giant leafy plant until she walks into it WITH HER EYEBALL??? – so I just froze and then I realized that I couldn’t see, so I panicked about that for a second, imagining how I would have to tell people I lost vision in one eye, “Um, I walked into a plant.” but then I realized that I couldn’t see because the giant leaf had popped out my contact. Which was now clinging to my eyelashes.

So I put my contact back in.

And the first thing I did, before I did something sensible like back away from the plant or thank my lucky stars I could still see and didn’t lose my contact, etc etc, the first thing I did was LOOK AROUND IN A SHIFTY WAY.

TO SEE IF ANYONE HAD NOTICED ME EMBARRASSING MYSELF. And then I was embarrassed about that, so it was like I had three or four levels of embarrassment going on at once, regular embarrassment, embarrassment about my embarrassment… etc.

Once my friend Chaia and I were inventing imaginary niche magazines, like AMERICAN BEEF DISTRIBUTOR, and one we invented was BOTANICAL INCIDENT REPORT, and our lead story for that was “ATTACKED BY A FERN”.

And I used to think that was so hilarious, because, obviously, what kind of moron would get attacked by a fern? HA HA HA.

OBVIOUSLY, the kind of person who would WALK INTO A PLANT WITH HER EYE.



4 Responses to “Embarrassing.”

  1. I love sentences that begin with “Once my friend Chaia and I were inventing imaginary niche magazines…”

  2. Dean Says:

    Good thing it wasn’t a giant Agave! It would have popped your eyeball like a ripe grape! Watch out cousin dear!

  3. chaia Says:


    On the plus side, if plant attacks are an actual real thing, might this mean there is a pre-existing market for MAILBOX INSPECTOR QUARTERLY?

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