March 27, 2009
Guess what I watched last night!
Oh… I guess the subject line gave it away. Yes, you’re right. The glorious 1989 Patrick Swayze actioner ROAD HOUSE.
Let me tell you why ROAD HOUSE is completely amazing:
1. It’s about a professional bouncer who gets hired to calm down an out-of-control bar.
2. The bouncer is played by Patrick Swayze. He, like everyone else, has astonishing hair:
3. Patrick Swayze says things like “Pain don’t hurt.”
4. It features that amazing 80s martial arts style that’s basically lumbering white men who took a karate class at the mall and then watched some Chuck Norris footage.
5. Patrick Swayze is carrying around a lot of guilt because he killed a man with his SPECIAL MOVE.
6. His special move involves ripping out someone’s windpipe with one bare hand. YES. THAT’S RIGHT.
7. Sam Elliott plays his bouncing mentor. Is there anyone cooler than Sam Elliott? I don’t think so. You may disagree, but you are WRONG.
8. Patrick Swayze does tai chi without a shirt on. That’s how you know he’s deadly.
9. Wait, I’m not done talking about Sam Elliott. Per IMDB, Sam Elliott’s full name is Samuel Pack Elliott.
10. Also per IMDB, Sam Elliott’s trademark is “His deep commanding voice”.
11. Also per IMDB (I’m sorry, last one): In his book, “Shirtless! The Hollywood Male Physique”, Donald Reuter refers to Elliott as a “super bod” and gives him a full-page color photograph from his 1976 movie, Lifeguard.
12. The climax takes place in a trophy room. Patrick Swayze pops up from behind like a water buffalo to kill the bad guy. SURPRISE!
13. Once Patrick Swayze has to go to the ER and the doctor is all “I see in your file that you have a degree from NYU”, which is great because that’s exactly what medical admissions forms ask all the time.
14. After he goes to the ER he wears this white wrap shirt that I was SURE was a kind of gown provided by the hospital, but then later he wears it again, and I realized to my startled delight that NO, that was a shirt that Patrick Swayze felt was TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME.
15. The movie’s original tagline was: “The dancing’s over. Now it gets dirty”. Hee hee hee hee.
Look at this poster! So great.
“Okay people. Here’s our pitch. We’ve got PATRICK SWAYZE. We’ve got SHIRTLESS TAI CHI. We’ve got SEX. We’ve got EXPLODING CARS. Either you want to see this movie or you don’t.”
In sum, ROAD HOUSE is a totally awesome movie, and if you have yet to see it, I envy you the experience you are about to have. I almost feel sad that I can’t travel back in time to see it again for the first time. OVER AND OVER.