All this natural magnificence makes me want to die
April 24, 2009
I saw Earth the other night. It’s narrated by James Earl Jones, who says a lot of things like:
“BEHOLD, THE CIRCLE OF LIFE AS THE CHEETAH EATS THE ADORABLE BABY GAZELLE ALIVE IN SLOW MOTION.”
When you go see a G-rated DisneyNature movie, you expect adorable fluffy things! Awe-inspiring vistas! Slightly dull yet inspiring things about how some animal makes an incredibly long trek to its breeding grounds!
Instead this movie is basically one super-long Darwinian tragedy. James Earl Jones might as well have intoned “EARTH, WHERE LIFE IS NASTY, BRUTISH AND SHORT. QUIT CRYING, KINDERGARTNERS. YOU BETTER TOUGHEN THE FUCK UP OR THE GIANTASS SHARK WE JUST SHOWED KILLING THINGS IS GONNA GET YOU.”
Do not take your babies to see this movie (unless they lack empathy or hate their parents or are like budding sociopaths). Anyone else is liable to wake up screaming every night for several weeks, because many of the death sequences are basically about how someone’s dad died or someone’s baby died or somebody got mauled by a lion because they playfully wandered away from the herd. Or because of global warming.
Speaking of DARWIN, I want to mention how much I dislike the trailer for I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER. It’s one of those “Dweeby nerd gets the ultra hot cheerleader” teen movies, but it just pushes the limits of the genre into some kind of bizarroverse porn parody (as in, I feel like EVEN PORN PRODUCERS would probably go “Wait a minute, would the ultra hot cheerleaders really invite the hideous nerd into the locker room and then show him their boobs for no reason? WHAT’S THEIR MOTIVATION HERE?”) that for some reason outrages my sense of fairness. In fact, every time I see the trailer, I grumble loudly and think about how I’m totally going to go home and write a reversal of this where the cool guy is our hero and the dweeby nerd is actually an evil loser who must be brought down. And I get all “YEAH! THAT WILL TOTALLY ROCK!”
(And then I remember that I write action movies.)
I also saw Star Trek, courtesy of my friend C. (fancy!) It is pretty good. If you like watching John Cho SWORDFIGHT on a space platform, this is probably something you will want to see. Also if you enjoy going WAIT A MINUTE. THAT’S ERIC BANA! WTF. I FEEL LIKE A MORON. THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS SOME GUY WITH A LUMPY FACE.
Also, if you enjoy eyebrows. This movie is all about the eyebrows. Chris Pine’s, Zachary Quinto’s, Eric Bana’s…
Here is a link to the surprisingly entertaining google image search for STAR TREK EYEBROWS. I am too lazy to actually steal any of the pictures and paste them here, but they contain such gems as a comparison of Barack Obama to a black Vulcan, a Star Trek corset, etc. ENJOY.