The Hurt Locker/burritos/etc

July 8, 2009

I saw the BEST movie recently: THE HURT LOCKER. I feel that many people will not go to see it because:

1) It does not star Michael Cera
2) It is set in Iraq and is about US soldiers
3) It has a sort of hard-to-grasp title
4) It appears to still be in limited release

But you know what – in spite of all of that, you should make an effort to seek it out. HERE ARE MY ARGUMENTS:

1) It is one of the best movies I have seen this year, and you know that I am not some kind of film snob but instead the kind of person who is like “…that explosion was AWESOME.”
2) It’s a movie built of a series of crazy set-pieces centering around the activities of a small team of bomb-disposal techs. Basically you’re talking all the good parts of Speed. I kept hyperventilating into my hands because watching someone defuse a car bomb is SUPER TENSE.
3) It’s funny. When the team is leaving the FOB, one of the guys points to the row of tanks they’re driving past and is all “Man, I’m sure glad we deployed with all these tanks. That’s going to be so useful in case the Russians attack and we end up in a pitched tank battle.” and his teammate is all “…”
4) Also, once someone comes back to a base and the guard is understandably suspicious of him just showing up, and the guy makes up an excuse and says “OKAY OKAY, I was out at a whorehouse” and the guard pauses and then says “If I let you in, you have to give me the exact location.”
5) The writing, the directing, the editing, the cinematography, the acting – just excellent.
6) I am a liberal young lady, but even I get really sick of stories about war (invariably brought to you by someone who KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE because this one time they heard this really loud backfire while they were driving on the 101) that take the “OH HOW AWFUL FOR YOU POOR IGNORANT REDNECKS THAT YOU GOT TRICKED INTO JOINING THE MILITARY!!!!!” approach (AHEMSTOPLOSSAHEM) – this movie is not like that at all. I fear that people are so sick of lame axe-grindy Iraq movies that they’ll hear “Set against the backdrop of the Iraq war” and go “Let’s go see that movie about action guinea pigs”. But it’s really not like that. It’s just a story about what some guys did and went through while deployed.
7) It has gun battles! It has explosions! It has mercenaries! It has snipers! It has heart! It expects the audience to stay up to speed!

I AM TELLING YOU.

YOU WILL LIKE IT SO MUCH!

I know – you’re probably still not going to see it. But really. It’s excellent. There was nothing I didn’t like about it. (Come on, go see it. COME ON.)

***

The other night Husband Guy and I tricked ourselves into getting Aerobic Exercise by punctuating a 4-mile loop with, um, a burrito. The burrito was one of those ARTERY BOMBS that is so, so delicious, because it’s a stack of PORK, LARD-SOAKED BEANS, CHEESE, AVOCADO, ETC wrapped up and finished with like a cup of sour cream.

Like (I hope) many people, I have this problem with burritos where I eat more than I actually want to. I think it’s because burritos are such a self-contained unit! If you’re eating a bowl of soup and you don’t want to finish it, no problem. Or a salad. Or if you’re eating some kind of stir-fry. But a burrito is a UNIT. SERVING SIZE: 1 NOM NOM NOM.

So then you get to the middle of the giant burrito and instead of being sensible and pushing your plate away, you try to finish. Which you regret for the next four hours as you waddle around, etc.

While eating this burrito, I felt the point of BURRITO DISMAY approaching. So I pushed the plate across the table and suggested that Husband Guy eat the rest (he is ordinarily pretty reliable in terms of being the person at the table who will Put It Away) but he declined, having slogged through his own ARTERY BOMB.

FINE. So we go back home (somewhat more slowly than on the way there) and everything is fine. Cut to two days later.

ME
Man…

HUSBAND GUY
What?

ME
Guess what I wish I had right now.

HUSBAND GUY
Is it “A dog”? Because I have noticed that the answer is almost always “A dog”.

ME
No! I wish I had the rest of that burrito.

HUSBAND GUY

ME
You know, from the other night–

HUSBAND GUY
Let me get this straight. You’re having genuine regret that you didn’t finish a burrito. That you ate two days ago.

ME

(It was a really good burrito.)

***

Here is a trailer for the Neill Blomkamp film DISTRICT 9:

I am so excited about this! I think it is going to be really outstanding.

***

Mayonnaise Bathtub is my friend Chaia’s thrilling new blog, where she reviews really terrible B movies. Recently she invited us over for a screening of DEAD MEN DON’T DANCE, a movie about- I don’t know. It was the kind of movie where five people got killed, but in the final scenes Ryan O’Neal and his father pushed six bodies overboard.

You should check it out! (Her blog, not necessarily DEAD MEN DON’T DANCE.)

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7 Responses to “The Hurt Locker/burritos/etc”

  1. Matt Price Says:

    “The Neill Blomkamp film”?! What the hell is with the possessory credit?

    Fuck, this is the dude’s first movie, and you call it a “Neill Bommkamp film”? He didn’t even write it alone! What about Terri Tatchell?

    You’re a writer, dammit! You know better than that.

  2. Dean Says:

    OK, OK I will ferret out and watch Hurt Locker. As for District 9 Bedonia was sending me clips from this some 6 months ago. Seems reasonably creepy. Is this a part II?

  3. chaia Says:

    Wow! DISTRICT 9 looks way better than those bus bench ads would have one think. In fact…it looks plain EXPLODEY and AWESOME with a side of FISTICUFFS.

    (Thanks for the shout-out!)

  4. Seth Says:

    Gee, Matt, next thing we know you’ll be saying Citizen Kane isn’t an Orson Welles film….

    http://www.paulrossen.com/paulinekael/raisingkane.html

    /nerdery

  5. Matt Price Says:

    Them’s a lotta words there, Seth. You know a cain’t read.

  6. Dean Says:

    OK,

    Thats 3 movies I want to see. Hurt Locker, District 9, and The Hangover.

  7. Marcella Says:

    Hello i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anywhere,
    when i read this paragraph i thought i could also create comment due to this brilliant post.


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