On military hairstyling

July 29, 2009

Today I watched Husband Guy get a haircut at the local military base.

I am fascinated by the local military base. It contains things like “SPACE AND MISSILE COMMAND” (thrilling!) and also “CHILD DEVELOPMENT CENTER” (actually a kind of daycare, but I imagine parents going “Don’t get me wrong, he’s great, but we’re really looking for a kid who’s more universal, like Taken… What could we do to amp up the stakes in his second act?”) and also in one of the buildings is something called a “DECISION SUPPORT CENTER”.

OH. And, the base’s honor guard motto is “To Honor With Dignity”, which is the best.

So anyway, sometimes Husband Guy has to go there for Army-related things, and sometimes, like today, I go with him. One of the things we needed to do was get my Official Married To Army Dude ID card, which I failed at spectacularly because I didn’t know I needed two forms of ID. The other thing was that H.G. wanted to get a haircut. So we went to the AAFES (or perhaps it is called the PX? I don’t know… I am really slow understanding the acronyms.), which H.G. had previously described as “Sort of like a mall… except really lame.”

It is SO LAME! You know how sometimes malls have kiosks in the middle where young people will try to sell you ionic salt lamps? This “mall” also has kiosks, except they sell TOTALLY AMAZING OIL PORTRAITS OF MEL GIBSON and COMMEMORATIVE OBAMA PLACEMATS and shit like that.

The mall also has a place where you can get your hair cut. I have not seen a lot of men get their hair cut, so I don’t know if this is just a dude thing in general or particular to dudes in the military, but what is kind of awesome is that instead of going (as girls would do) “Um, I don’t know… I just don’t like it! I think I want more movement. Maybe some long layers? Ugh… I DON’T KNOW, can you make me look like this picture I tore out of a magazine?” military guys are like “High and tight. Skin on the sides. 1 on top.” and then the Korean or Filipino lady barber nods briskly and commences with the hairclippers. There is no chit-chat about how you need to use specific products or flatiron your hair anything like that. The whole thing takes like 9 minutes and then the lady vacuums your scalp and then rubs your head with foul-smelling lotion for unclear reasons. And it costs ten dollars.

Husband Guy found this outrageous.

“TEN DOLLARS! At [former base] it was like two dollars and maybe a sack of rabbits…”

(As I stared at him and tried to think how I would explain that ladies often get haircuts that cost more than nice pair of shoes.)

OH ALSO, if you are an older gentleman and maybe have some tufts of hair growing out of your ears, the lady will take care of that as well. Honestly, I feel like for 10 dollars, I might not be willing to clip someone’s ear hair. So I feel like that’s really quite the deal.

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2 Responses to “On military hairstyling”

  1. Matt Price Says:

    Not just a military thing. All guys are like that, except, apparently, John Edwards.

  2. Cher Says:

    oh dear, the military is such a source of amusement. God forbid Seth should actually reenlist(we’d kill him first), then you’d have to get with Mark and get Army wife 101 lessons.
    NCO wife in your case.


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