I was fretting about something earlier, and in an effort to cheer me up the Guy I Am Married To sent me a youtube video. It is a video of a Navy SEAL competing against a chimpanzee on an obstacle course.

Yes, really.

There are multiple bizarre things going on here.

(1) SEAL vs. chimp.
(2) The chimp is basically a baby. I don’t know if this is a fair fight.
(3) Does the chimp even realize he’s in a competition?
(4) How did they train the chimp to run the obstacle course?
(5) Why did the SEAL agree to do this? Is he all “HAHA, you guys, I got drunk one night and bet I could beat a monkey… fuck, I guess I have to go through with it.” OR does he seriously think this is a tremendous test of his manhood?
(6) Where do you find a chimp to race against? On one of my tracking boards, someone was once desperately searching for a badger for a movie, because LA’s only professional badger actor was asleep for the winter. I feel like this is basically the same thing. “Hello? Yeah, uh, we’d like to rent a chimp for a day or two? Well… it’s… a contest. Yeah.”
(7) At the end, the chimp strikes a hilarious pose! And the commentator seriously says “That is the look of a competitor.”
(8) The SEAL wins (SPOILER) and the host is all “What was going through your mind as you were competing?” and the SEAL is all “Just keeping focused, keeping my mind on what’s in front of me.”

Instead of the more obvious and truthful

“HOLY SHIT I AM RACING A CHIMP I DIDN’T GO TO BUDS FOR THIS YOU GUYS.”

(9) Finally, it turns out that the SEAL later joined Blackwater (now known as Xe) and went to Iraq and was killed while working for them. Which, depending on how you feel about death and Iraq and private military companies is going to strike you as varying degrees of sad.

But it leads to YOUTUBE COMMENT WARFARE between the totally serious people who are all “This man served his country and died a hero, look at him beating the pants off that monkey, he’s a true patriot!” and the people who say things like “I don’t know, that chimp doesn’t really have his gave face on, can we really say that this was a fair fight? A CHIMP COULD RIP YOUR ARM OUT OF ITS SOCKET AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT IF HE WANTED. I AM JUST SAYING.”

BUT HOW DOES IT KNOW?

August 10, 2009

I swear I do not go on Amazon to look at candy for sale.

(I am not denying the broader charge of being a person who has shown an interest in candy.)

candy

Movie Pitching Guy

August 9, 2009

This is a really outstanding short clip where a guy bursts into a meeting of studio executives and pitches them terrible movies:

You may or may not know that there are people on the internet who, as a kind of mild hobby, like to leave humorous reviews on Amazon.com.

I LOVE THESE PEOPLE.

They brought you reviews of the David Hasselhoff import album LOOKING FOR: BEST OF:

There is little doubt now that David Husselshaft is a major force in the music business these days. I’ve already been a fan for many years, but an amazing thing happened recently which I have to share. The doctor said my dog Cherish had only days to live. Desperate for any sign of recovery, I played this CD in the garage for him 24/7, and not only did my dog die, but so did 2 cats and all of my plants. My neighbor came down with a rare form of stomach virus, the one causes massive cramping and explosive diarrhea. Boy did I prove that doctor wrong!

The song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good.

And

Listening to this album is not so much a musical experience as a quasi-religious one. David is already the world’s biggest TV star, an object of desire for all women and role-model for all men. Now he reveals an unequalled musical ability. The range and sensitivity displayed here will leave your eyebrows in your hair. He effortlessly runs the whole emotional gamut from ‘happy’ to ‘sad’. With this ‘best of’ compilation he has filled a much-needed gap.

And of course

To date, there have been only two CDs that have captured the romance of the heart or the intensity of love through song. One of those CDs my friend from school borrowed and never returned, but the second CD is “Looking For- The Best of David Hasselblank.”

The producers of this compilation CD poured all the care and love into it as if they needed the money to help feed their many dogs at home. Each song is selected from Hatheryouf’s many albums, judged to be one of his best, and is placed carefully into the mix.

And the flow of the CD is amazing. Not one track overlaps the other, and very rarely does the sound of David Harfertrank’s vocals resemble a rhinoceros getting sideswiped by a dune buggy.

I heartily recommend this CD for its staggering beauty. Folks who have never heard David sing have yet to experience the sheer threshold of their eardrums. The song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good.

Etc. You get the picture.

These people also brought you milk (the kind from cows, not the movie):

Online ordering of extremely perishable food is going to TAKE OFF when people realize how much fun and convenient the idea is. I got my milk just yesterday. Here are all the details!

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz
$3.99 – Quantity: 1 – In Stock
Condition: new
Sold by: Gristedes Supermarkets of New York

I was considering buying used milk from a trusted Amazon reseller but decided against it. So you’ll notice the condition of MY milk was “New.” I deserve this luxury.

I toyed with the idea of second business day delivery but Amazon in its infinite wisdom limited me to “Expedited.”

Shipping Method: Expedited

Here’s the best part.

Order Summary
Items: $3.99
Shipping & Handling: $26.25

Total Before Tax: $30.24
Estimated Tax:* $0.00

Order Total: $30.24

Why go to my local store and pay $2.99 for a galon of milk when I can have it overnight delivered for 10 times that price? I think I’ll get three gallons next time. As a current Pentagon employee, this makes perfect sense to me. You won’t Be-Lieve the taste of 30 dollar milk. It just coats the tongue with layer upon layer of bovine extract luxury. Internet milk is soooo much more milkyliscious than crappy store bought. Next, I’ll be checking out the $50 12 ounce hot coffee order. Catch the wave!

And

Combine with other foods!
Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!

So basically: the best.

One of the greatest-ever in this genre of Niche Internet Comedy is the reviews section of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt. Go ahead and click on it. Unless you’re too lazy, and then I will just quickly point out that it is a glorious T-shirt of airbrushed wolves howling at the moon.

Dual Function Design

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

And

WOW! That’s how I describe my reaction on viewing this product – but, then I saw the price! WHOAH! $16.75!? What am I a doctor (NO), a lawyer (NO), Vin Diesel? HA, in my dreams!

I’m writing this review to ask The Mountain Men to produce a tshirt for the COMMON MAN. I’m not asking for a price reduction. How about, a two wolf moon shirt???

It goes on. The reviews are good times. I personally feel that they are CHEERFUL and PLEASING and not making themselves lame with excessive hipster irony or anything like that.

But NOW.

URBAN OUTFITTERS HAS RUINED EVERYTHING.

By selling the same shirt.

(So angry.)

HOWEVER, REDEMPTION HAS ARRIVED in the form of a T-shirt with HIPPOPOTAMUSES WITH HORNS HOWLING AT THE MOON:

These hippopotamuses with horns on their heads can totally kick the asses of the ironic Urban Outfitters wolves. OBVIOUSLY.

Phew! The world has been returned to balance.