I call this hairstyle the “Not what I asked for”

February 15, 2010

So today I went to get my hair cut. If you are a person with long hair, you may be familiar with the thing hairstylists do where they are ALWAYS TRYING TO CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT. So you get into the habit of exaggerating how long you’d like them to leave it, just so you don’t walk out with some kind of ultra-hip haircut that does not at all reflect your dorky personality.

Today was no exception. I told the nice middle-aged Thai lady that I wanted to take off a couple of inches, but please still leave it below the shoulders. And maybe some layers or whatever. Basically, I explained, I had just had a baby, never got to take showers anymore, and needed my first Mom Haircut.

“Aha!” Middle-aged Thai lady exclaimed, and flipped through a nearby magazine. “Like this!”

“Um… okay,” I said, hesitantly.

She was showing me a super glamorous picture of former Charlie’s Angel Jaclyn Smith. Like this one.

Middle-aged Thai lady pulled me over to the hair-washing sink. “You look so fabulous, so sexy! Just like Charlie’s Angel!”

I tried to explain: “I’m not really… a fabulous, sexy person. I wear a lot of corduroy and look up pictures of dogs on the internet.”

“You look so sexy,” she insisted.

Then she cut my hair. I periodically tried to point out things like “Not too short, okay?” and “Please, not above the shoulders!” and “WHY ARE YOU CUTTING AROUND MY JAWLINE???” but sure enough, by the end I had hair above my shoulders.

(Also I totally did not look AT ALL like a Charlie’s Angel, unless it was a character from the lesser-known spinoff, Charlie’s Dorky Corduroy-Wearing Angels.)

I was pretty doubtful about the whole thing. BUT. Then I had to go around the corner to the ATM so I could pay the hairstylist. I want to point out that I am NOT TELLING THIS STORY as a backdoor brag – you know, when girls are all “Are those new jeans? Lucky you! It’s soooooo hard to find pants that fit me, on account of how I have a shockingly narrow waist!” or “I really like your hat! I wish I could wear one like it, but my hair is just too thick and luscious to be contained!”

(If you’re a girl, you know what I’m talking about. YOU KNOW THOSE GIRLS.)

So this story is not like that. I mention it only because of how I was clearly totally wrong for doubting the middle-aged Thai lady, because based on my giant snowboots/practical coat outfit and general corduroy-wearing-personness, what is about to happen is obviously solely because of the POWER OF THE JACLYN SMITH KNOCKOFF HAIRSTYLE.

“Hey,” a bulky man dressed head-to-toe in Carhartt said, as I walked by him as he got out of his truck in the gas station parking lot*. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” I said. “How’re you?”

“Good,” he said, and started to follow me. “So, uh. Where are you going?”

“…to the hairstylist,” I said, pointing to the tiny storefront ten feet away.

Carhartt Man squinted at the sign outside that reads:

*WALK INS WELCOME!
*REIKI
*PET READINGS
*PET REIKI
(ALTERNATE THURSDAYS, BY APPOINTMENT ONLY)

“Oh,” he said, and hovered for a moment before awkwardly walking back to his truck.

Ladies, if you, too, are interested in becoming alluring to men in head to toe Carhartt who grew up on CHARLIE’S ANGELS, you should email me: I can give you the exact location of the middle-aged Thai lady’s salon.

*Like many girls from big cities, I don’t normally talk to strange men who chat me up in gas station parking lots. People who talk to you in gas station parking lots are ALWAYS WEIRD, have you noticed? Like they want to sell you “origami paper” that is just the Target circular… But my in-laws live in a charming Finger Lakes small town, and people are friendly. (In a kind of distant, Yankee way.)

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One Response to “I call this hairstyle the “Not what I asked for””

  1. thehandsomecamel Says:

    See, this will be part of my course for men on how to communicate with women. “Women don’t want to talk to you at the gas station. Ever.”

    But your hair is very cute.


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